


A Force of Nature

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Series: Because of You I'm Nothing, I'm Nowhere [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Break Up, Cheating, Depression, Difficulties Getting Pregnant, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Future Fic, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Invasion, M/M, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, One Night Stands, Oral Sex, POV Isak Valtersen, Pining, Rough Sex, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Denial, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Social Media, This will hurt, Wedding Planning, You Have Been Warned, non-gay agenda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-14 00:17:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: And you thought Reflections was heartbreaking.This is sad, angsty, smutty, hot and aggravating. Come prepared.This has a sad ending. I wrote an alternate-alternate universe addition in the end notes of Chapter 7 to make it an open one with a small possibility to end happy. But the story I wanted to tell is in the chapters.





	1. The River

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt:  
> social media - future fic - one night stand
> 
> That escalated quickly.
> 
> The first chapter is the prompt, but I couldn't let them be.

Isak looked around nervously, doing his best to not look suspicious. He failed miserably, he realized, the moment he started trying to look unsuspicious, because that’s what only suspicious people do, and god if his legs only worked right now he’d walked out of the club right there and then. This wasn’t his place to begin with, some dark and loud nightclub, music blasting everywhere, semi naked boys dancing in cages and on pillars, only slightly less naked boys and men crowding the dance floor, grinding their bodies together in the flashing lights..no. This was not his place.

He still wasn’t sure he was into guys at all. Sure, he had toyed with the idea every now and then, but doesn’t everybody? They were just fantasies. He had a lovely woman he was engaged to, they were planning to get pregnant, they were looking into houses. There was absolutely no reason to presume he was actually gay. Was there?

Where the fuck was he? Isak had been waiting for nearly half an hour, during which he had to glare away not one, but three different suitors trying to approach him. No, he was not gay, he just happened to be at a gay club, waiting for his date who just happened to be the most beautiful fucking thing he had ever seen. And a guy. Who was apparently also tardy.

Isak sighed and took his phone out. He opened the app and looked at the profile that had caught his eye. He had installed Grindr just to see what it was about, used a fake picture with no particular sex appeal - just some normal looking guy, fully dressed on a yard - as his profile pic and just. Looked around. It had crossed his mind more and more often so he had decided to just get it over with. He was going to just look and maybe chat with someone once to see if this really was something he might’ve wanted to try in real life, when he had come across a pair of bluest eyes he’d ever seen. They chatted, on many nights, and finally Isak had worked up the courage to send him a real picture of himself. He had loved it.

Isak had dressed in the same clothes he was wearing in the picture. A dark gray snapback backwards on his head, a crisp white t-shirt, a jacket that was basically a hoodie but without a hood. Dark skinny jeans. At least he had thought they were skinny before he came here and saw exactly how skinny jeans could actually get. Or why they were indeed called “shorts”. Isak wasn’t in his element at all, and he was kind of happy about that. If he felt out of place at a gay club, probably the gayest club in Oslo, maybe he wasn’t as gay as he thought might be possible. This wasn’t his world.

Five more minutes. If his date didn’t show up by then Isak would leave. He’d leave this place, leave this world and leave all thoughts of any kind of experiments on this part of himself. He had locked it away before, deemed unworthy of his attention. He was twenty two, he was going to get married to a beautiful woman and he was going to become a father. Like he was supposed to. Isak looked around in the club, looked at this alternative and he wanted it less. He had only chosen this place because he knew he wouldn’t ever run into anyone he knows in here.

Someone scooted next to Isak on the bench. He turned, ready to glare the intruder away, and then he saw them up close. Those blue eyes.

“Fuck”; Isak gasped. Those blue eyes squinted in laughter.

“Maybe, if I’m lucky?” The man leaned close as he spoke, because the music was so loud. Shit, Isak hadn’t taken that into account. He was so close. He smelled really good.

Isak felt blood rush into his face. Oh god. He’d made a fool of himself in front of that..he had no word for him. He was beautiful, but in a different way. Not like Lydia was, but every bit as much. Or more.

The man smiled.

“Hey. I’m Even. What’s your name?”

“No”, Isak said, shaking his head. “No names.” Even. His name was Even, and Isak really wanted to say it out loud, just to hear it from his own lips, in his voice. Fuck. Shit, fuck, shit. Fucking fuck. He wanted to hear Even say his name.

Even smiled. Isak wanted to lick his dimples. What? Who the fuck wants to lick someone’s  _ dimples _ ?

“I’m sorry I’m late”, Even half-shouted.

Isak licked his lips. He barely registered what Even said. God he smelled amazing.

“Do you want to dance?”

Isak shook his head. Why did this Even move so fast? They barely said hello and now he’d like to dance? Then again, who was he, the dimple licker, to judge anyone?

“I don’t dance.”

Even looked around, amused. All the dancing writhing bodies all around them, the blasting music, the lights.

“So you come here for the atmosphere?”

Isak giggled. Wait, giggled? He never giggles. He must have been terrified. He kinda was. Terrified and excited and drunk without alcohol or any other recreational substances.

“I came here for you!”

_ WHAT? _

Even laughed. The way he squinted when he laughed was intoxicating.

“Well, here I am! Mystery man. You really need a name. How about Baz?”

Isak stared at Even.

“Baz? Are you serious?” What kind of a fucking name was that supposed to be? Did he look like a Baz to Even? “Isak. Nice to meet you.”

Even looked at Isak’s water glass.

“You don’t dance. You don’t drink. You really  _ did _ come here for me.”

Isak blushed. Again.

“I didn’t want to run into anyone.”

Even’s smile settled down. It nested in his left dimple and the light squint of his eyes when he looked at Isak, carefully.

“What do you want from me?”

Isak hadn’t expected that question. He had no idea what to reply.

“I wanted to see you. I wanted to see.” He wanted to see if the itch he got looking at Even’s picture was something that needed scratching. Isak pulled his engagement ring from his pocket and placed it on the table. “I’m going to have a wife.”

Isak really hoped that the glimpse he saw in Even’s eyes wasn’t contempt. But then Even laughed.

“Thank heavens. I thought you were going to propose!”

Isak laughed nervously and slipped the ring back into his pocket. It just didn’t feel right to wear it now.

“Where does she think you are right now?”

“What?” Isak blinked, confused.

“Your wife.” Isak listened hard but he couldn’t hear Even’s tone in this noise. “What did you tell her?”

“We’re not married yet.” He didn’t have a wife. It mattered. “I told her I was seeing my friends.” No specifics. A good lie never answers questions that aren’t asked.

“Do you want me to blow you in the bathroom?”

“What?”

Even repeated his words, slower, louder, closer. Isak was even more confused.

“Is that..is that something that’s usually done?”

Even chuckled. There was something dark in that sound.

“Well, I just thought you’d like to get it over with. It’s not good to keep the lil’ lady waiting for her man too long.”

Isak could tell even through his confusion that something was going terribly wrong.

“What? No. What?”

Even leaned back and just looked at Isak. God he was good looking.

“Even, please.” Isak was not sure what he was asking. But he sensed that Even was leaving. He couldn’t let that happen, not without explaining.

Even raised his eyebrow and looked into Isak’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything.

“Take me with you. Anywhere quiet. I want to talk.”

Even pouted. His lips were so full and delicious. Isak tried really hard to not stare at them. After a lifetime Even made up his mind and stood up. He nudged his head.

“Let’s go.”

Isak followed him without hesitation. Outside the club the music was a muffled thumping echo and the sounds of the city on a saturday night sounded nearly serene in comparison. Isak could hear his heart beat now.

He could also hear Even’s voice properly. It sent shivers around his spine.

“This way. We’re going to my place.”

Isak followed Even. He would’ve probably followed him anywhere. He felt ridiculous, like a fucking puppy, but he simply had this urge to be close to this man. This tall man, mostly arms and legs and a long neck. Isak wasn’t short himself, but this guy was clearly taller than him and it kind of..turned him on? Intrigued him, at least.

Even stopped in front of an apartment house. He turned around to face Isak. Isak’s stomach made a somersault when he saw his face again. Those eyes. Those lips. Those lickable dimples.

“This is me”, Even said, hands in his hoodie’s pockets. He rocked on his heels like a fucking teenager and it was fucking adorable. Isak’s heart fluttered.

“O..kay?”

“If you want to turn back now it’s okay. No judging.”

Isak put his hand into his pocket, instinctively. There it was, the familiar round smooth shape, heavy in its lightness. He couldn’t feel it, but he knew that Lydia’s name was engraved on the inside. And a date. A date when he had made a promise he was now about to break.

“Please.”

Even tilted his head. He was pouting again, and squinting, deep in thought. Then he nodded.

“Sure. Come on.”

They climbed up the stairs and at Even’s door he dug out his keys. They turned in the lock. The door opened. Even stepped in. Isak took a deep breath and followed him, crossing a border by crossing the threshold. His timeline had now divided in two: the before, and the after.

The apartment was small. It had a kitchen but it was tiny, more like a closet with a stove, and the bathroom didn’t seem any bigger. There was a miscellaneous collection of shoes all over the floor by the door. Isak left his shoes there as well, to mingle. The coat rack was stacked with hoodies and a thick winter coat under it all had never made its way to summer storage. On a small table by the coats - Isak left his jacket on the rack - was a tall stack of unopened mail. As Isak stepped further inside he saw a pile of dishes and on the bathroom floor a mountain of laundry.

“Sorry about the mess”, Even said. “I didn’t expect that I’d bring you home.”

Bring you home. Something about those words resonated in Isak. This man, this tall beautiful creature, had brought him home. Isak must’ve stared at Even all doe eyed, because he made a small awkward sound and turned away, pulling his hood down from his head.

They stood still. Time stood still. Isak looked at Even, Even looked at his bookshelf and fidgeted with a small porcelain cat.

“You really need this, don’t you?” Even asked, softly. Like he was talking to the kitten on his palm. Isak nodded, then realized Even couldn’t see him.

“Yes.” Yes. He needed this. That was the accurate term, he needed this. He wanted this, he didn’t want to want this but that was a fight he had lost the moment he’d seen Even’s profile picture.

Even didn’t say anything, or move, so Isak had to continue.

“For years now.. there’s been this. This. Part. Yes, a part, a part of me. I think I now know what it is.”

Even tilted his head. He was listening. He let Isak gather his thoughts and try to remember how words worked.

“I think it’s you.”

That managed to surprise Even enough to make him look at him over his shoulder. The rest of him followed that trajectory and Even turned to face Isak. He was on the other side of the room, but still so close. This was a small apartment. Even was literally three steps away from Isak but in the middle of that distance there was an invisible wall. The final line of defence.

“I sound like a psychopath”, Isak said. His mouth felt parched. “Maybe I am one?”

Even smiled. His smile was made of light.

“Are you planning to kill me, skin me and wear my hide as a cape?”

Isak nodded, solemnly.

“Yes. Isn’t that what you do on a first date?”

Even laughed.

“Why, I believe it is. Did you bring your own knives? I’m afraid that none of mine are too sharp, and they’re probably all dirty as well.”

Isak grimaced.

“Damn! I  _ knew _ I forgot something. I guess you get out of it, then. This time.”

Something inside Isak felt a bit cold. He could never joke around like this with Lydia. He was going to become one of those guys who said stuff like “my wife doesn’t understand me”. Fuck.

“What a relief”, Even sighed. “I’m pretty attached to my skin. Figuratively and literally.”

“It does look very comfortable. Unlike mine.” Isak hadn’t felt too comfortable in his skin lately. It felt tight, like he’d grown out of it.

“I think yours looks very nice, too.”

“Would you like to see more of it?” Isak blushed. It wasn’t like him at all, he wasn’t like this with the ladies. He knew how to operate with females, how to woo and wow them, but this person, this Even, he didn’t know he could feel so at ease and so uncomfortable at the same time as he felt with this man.

Even smiled again. Just barely, just enough to bring out his dimples. Then he nodded.

Isak licked his lips, nervous. He’d undressed in front of other people hundreds of times, but this time it was different. He really, really wanted Even to like what he saw. His hand shook just a little bit when he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He grabbed his elbow, shirt hanging from his hand, still blushing. He merely peeked at Even from under his brows, then looked at the floor. He did go to the gym regularly, but he had seen the guys on Grindr and..he wasn’t much compared to them. And what muscles he had were hidden under a pasty white skin. He didn’t like tanning, he got sunburned so easily.

“Come here”, Isak heard Even say. He couldn’t move. “Please.”

Isak lifted his eyes to Even’s. They looked gentle. Even wasn’t judging him. Isak dropped his shirt on the floor and took two steps. He let go of his elbow and let his arms hang free by his sides. Here he was, bare and vulnerable, in front of this man who had made time split in two.

“Say my name”, Isak whispered.

Even took one step.

“Isak”, he said softly, “I would very much like to kiss you now.”

Hearing Even say his name was just as good as Isak had thought it’d be. He had read somewhere that when something is named it becomes real, and that was exactly what had happened here. Even had made him real. And Even wanted to kiss him. Isak nodded, parting his lips in anticipation. He reached up, Even reached down, they met in the middle and then there was this kiss that could never be forgotten or pushed aside completely. They had created a kiss that shook them to the core.

“Fuck”, Isak gasped on Even’s lips as the kiss paused for breath. He opened his eyes and saw Even’s, he looked into them confused and wondering.

Even kissed him. Isak felt his lips against his own, moving, he nibbled at them with his lips and gave them a tentative lick. The touch of his tongue made Even breathe deeper, twitch a little, press his body momentarily closer to him. Isak licked those lips again. He noticed he had grabbed Even’s shoulders, he moved his hands lower, slipped them inside Even’s hoodie and on his lower back. He pulled.

As Even’s chest pressed against his Isak noticed the first tangible difference. There had already been a couple of conceptual ones, like how fucking much Isak felt he  _ needed _ this, but this one was more hands on. Even’s chest was completely flat. While Isak did find the softness and smoothness of breasts very comfortable - a tit pillow was the best pillow, he used to say - he never thought they were especially, pun intended, titillating. They felt nice but not exciting. And now that they were not there it really clicked: Isak did not get turned on by boobies. He never had. For his own non-gay agenda that was a worrisome discovery.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Even asked against Isak’s lips, breaking his trail of thought.

“Whhhu?” Isak mumbled. He thought it was kind of obvious, since he was here and they were kissing and he had no shirt on and he was rock hard in his skinny jeans.

“I’m versatile. I can fuck you. You can fuck me. Or both.”

The thought, the mere thought of getting fucked by this man he was holding in his arms made Isak jump a bit. Did he moan out loud or only in his mind? He didn’t know.

“Is that a yes and to which question?” Even chuckled. Isak blushed. He was feeling a bit wobbly, half of his blood flow on his face and the other half packed into his dick.

“No..fucking”, Isak finally got out of himself. Now that he was officially asked, he decided he didn’t want to, it felt too much like cheating. He was just experimenting a bit, finding out, sorting himself out, not looking for an affair. “But take off your clothes, I want to see you.”

Even stepped back a bit. Isak’s body missed him already. He stared at Even as he took off his clothes. First his hoodie, then his shirt. Isak gasped involuntarily when he saw that chest. It was beautiful, smooth and pale and so flat. His nipples looked delicious and his collarbones..god. Isak wanted to touch him. But he still had his jeans and underwear on. That was about to change soon, and Isak didn’t want to disrupt the process.

Wanting to see a beautiful body naked was not gay at all. Museums were full of statues of nude people, all gawked at daily by millions of visitors around the world. No homo there. Well, of course some of those people must be, statistically speaking, but, still -- Isak’s trail of thought got cut again when Even stepped out of his pants. Fuck, that man was beautiful naked. Isak trailed his eyes along the v-shaped lines from Even’s hips down to his groin, feeling a near uncontrollable urge to trail them with his tongue too.

“Now you”, Even said. Isak shivered. His skin rose to goosebumps and his nipples perked up. This beautiful man wanted to see him naked as well. It was odd. And flattering. Mostly odd. But Isak did as he was asked. He was increasingly nervous. Even’s dick was hard and proud and beautiful, evenly shaped and in good proportion to his body, its length and thickness in harmony. Isak’s..not so much. He was hard, of course he was, after those kisses who wouldn’t be, and it was not  _ small _ , but..it curved to the left. Visibly. Maybe Even would think it was weird. Isak had received quite a few dick pics on Grindr and none of them had looked like his.

Isak fought the need to cover himself with his hands as he kicked his pants away from his feet. He kept his eyes on Even’s beautiful model example of a dick, his face flustered again. He had never seen one erect like that, live, in front of his eyes, except for his own crooked one.

“You’re beautiful”, Even said. Isak looked up. Even was smiling, reassuringly and sincerely. Isak nodded slowly.

“It’s not..weird?” Isak wasn’t sure why he thought Even would be a cock expert. But he had brought him into his apartment after like twenty lines of conversation, so maybe he was kind of a slut?

Even shook his head, still smiling.

“It’s lovely. I would like to touch it, if that’s okay?”

Isak shook his head. Even looked puzzled.

“I want to touch yours first.” He wanted to know how it felt to hold someone else’s dick. He wanted to know how Even would feel holding his, before he could let him do it.

“Of course.” Even smiled and nodded. “Right here?”

Isak looked at the bed. “Let’s lay down. Just in case.”

Even pulled the crumpled up blankets aside and stretched himself down on the bed. He looked like a statue again, on his side, leaning on his elbow. Isak laid down next to him, tentatively. Even was so naked and so close to him. He felt so warm when he leaned closer and kissed him. Isak kissed back, of course he did, he wanted nothing more. He kissed Even deep and hard and let his hand finally travel down his side, over his ribs, counting them slowly, at his waist, down to his hip. He rested his hand there, stroking the half of the V with his thumb, licking Even’s lips in the kiss. Even moaned softly, invitingly, pressed his hips just a bit more towards Isak. Isak worked up his courage and grabbed Even’s beautiful dick.

It felt familiar and new at the same time. His hand felt what was the familiar, but the lack of sensation on his dick was new. He was touching Even, not himself, he was pleasuring someone else. He adjusted his grip slightly and started to move his hand up and down, exploring. By Even’s moans against his lips he was doing a good job.

“I want to touch you. Please”, Even gasped. Isak nodded repeatedly. Yes, yes, yes. He wanted Even to touch him, he turned his hips a bit, offering himself to this man. He felt his chest against his, his dick in his hand, and he wanted to be touched by him, so bad. When Even wrapped his fingers around him Isak stumbled out of the kiss.

“Fuck yes!”

As Even kept touching him Isak kind of forgot to do the same. He just held on to Even’s dick, gasping and shivering at Even’s touches on his. It was so good. He wanted more.

“Lube..?” Isak managed to ask between his moans. Even let go of him and he was throbbing, aching, he needed this so bad. Isak opened his eyes when nothing happened. Even was grinning at him.

“You need to let go, Isak.”

Isak looked down at his hand, still holding Even’s dick. He let go of it slowly. His hand felt empty, and as Even got out of bed he felt cold. Alone. And horny as hell. Isak ogled at Even’s body as he walked into the bathroom and returned with the lube. Isak sat up and met Even in the middle as he was coming back to bed. He clung to him, he wanted to climb up that long lean body like a tree, he locked his lips onto Even’s in a passionate kiss. Even seemed pleasantly surprised by his sudden burst of enthusiasm. They fell to the bed together as a tangled pile of legs, arms, dicks and kissing.

Even kept saying Isak’s name. He whispered it to his lips, moaned it into his ear. As he lubricated his hand and started touching Isak again he said it over and over again, in rhythm with his strokes and Isak’s moans. Isak looked at his face through his eyelashes, his eyes almost closed, he looked like a dream or a movie he’d seen long ago. His strokes kept pulling him closer and closer to the edge, and as he came he cried out. He had never done that with someone else in the room before.

“You’re so beautiful”, Even whispered right into Isak’s ear as he laid there, flustered, catching his breath. Isak turned to look at him.

“You’re the most beautiful..you’re perfect.” He was. Even was perfect. Isak gave his gorgeous lips a kiss, out of breath, and stole the lube for himself. He wanted to make Even come. He really really wanted to. Isak spread the lube on his hand, rubbing it to warm it up, and then he started touching Even once more. Even moaned softly, still saying his name, responding to his kisses and arching his back slightly every now and then. He was in constant motion, never still, it reminded Isak of a creek or a river and he loved looking at it. He wished he could’ve recorded it.

He made Even moan and squirm for a long time, easing off every time Even seemed to get close. He would’ve made it last even longer but Even’s orgasm kind of surprised them both. It just happened, Even came into his hand, his mouth open and eyes closed and his head bent back. He was amazing. Isak milked him dry and then just held on, lightly, as he laid his head on Even’s chest to rest.

Isak woke up to Even’s voice. He opened his eyes, raised his head.

“Huh?”

Even smiled at him.

“I said, ‘you need to let go’. I really need to piss.”

Isak blushed and released Even’s now semi hard dick. He rolled off Even to let him get up and followed him with his gaze as he went to the bathroom. What time was it? Isak didn’t see any clocks so he had to get up and drag himself to his clothes to find his phone. He located it in his jacket’s pocket and turned the screen on.

4 missed calls.

20 messages.

10 Facebook messages.

They were all from Lydia. Fuck.

Even popped out of the bathroom. He was so close to Isak he could smell his skin. It was intoxicating.

“Is everything alright?”

Isak shook his head.

“I must leave.” He did not want to. He looked up at Even, and saw from his face that Even saw it in his eyes. He did not want to leave.

Even considered for a second.

Then he leaned closer and kissed Isak on the cheek.

“Thanks, sweetie. I had fun.”

By that Even went back into the bathroom and turned the shower on. Isak just stood there, phone in hand, naked and cold. But as the phone vibrated and he got the 21st message he woke up from his trance. He got dressed. He took his stuff. He had no idea why, but he walked to the bookshelf and took the tiny porcelain kitten, slipping it into his pocket.

Outside on the street he finally read the messages. When he started walking, phone on his ear, waiting for Lydia to pick up, he looked once more at the window he was pretty sure was Even’s. There were no lights on.


	2. The Artist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, I get it. You’re pissed. I was stupid. I still am. I’m a fucking mess and you’re right to stay the fuck away.” Isak looked at Even again. He tried looking away but he didn’t like that. “I meant what I said last time. About me. And you. About my missing parts.”

Isak was bored. He laid on the couch on his back, under a blanket, flipping through channels on the TV. Lydia was at Ikea with her mother and that would take all day and then some. Isak had first enjoyed his me-time, but that got old surprisingly fast. He was lonely. He had been feeling lonely rather often lately.

Isak gave up with the TV and fished his phone out of his pocket. Maybe he’d reinstall some stupid game he’d removed to make room. While browsing his app store he noticed the Grindr icon. He had removed the app right after he had called Lydia, on his way home from Even. He had erased his picture as well. All he had were his memories and a small porcelain cat that he had hidden away with his stash. He visited both more regularly than was good for him.

He tried to log in a couple of times before realizing he’d used his default email address. He had created a fake one for this purpose only, and after one more false try he remembered it correctly and got in. There they were. Guys, a hundred men nearby, looking for other men like them. The notification dot shone like a beacon on the message folder, and Isak opened it.

 

Viv

Look, this might sound weird, but I noticed something missing in my place and the last time I remember having it was when you were here. Sooooo I’m not saying you’re a thief but did you take Miss Kitty?

 

Isak checked the timestamp. Even had sent the message a week ago. He had noticed. The cat Isak had stolen had a name, and even though it had taken Even over a month to notice it was gone it was obviously if not important then at least significant. And Isak had stolen it. He still had no idea why.

Isak almost had a heart attack when his phone buzzed in his hand.

 

Viv

Hey I see you’re online. Miss Kitty is still missing.

 

Viv

I really want her back.

 

Fuck. Her. Not it but her. Isak had fucked up. Multiple times, actually, and now he was about to keep the strike going. He tapped a reply and sent it.

 

Osloguy3485

I have no explanation.

 

Viv

But do you have her?!

 

Osloguy3485

Yes. I’m willing to return her.

 

Viv

I’m here. Please bring her home.

 

There it was again, that word. Home. Isak had returned to his and still, a part of him had never arrived. It felt the same as returning to the house you grew up in, after leaving it years ago. It was the same place, but it wasn’t home anymore. Isak had kept telling himself that after he and Lydia got over this crazy busy nest building phase he’d find his place in his house. He had started to believe it. He would have a home, with Lydia and their children, and he was not about to wreck that home with some pretty blonde thing, was he? Of course not.

This must have been like Frodo had felt, Isak pondered, the weight of the ring in his pocket growing heavier with each step closer to his destination. In his other pocket weighed Miss Kitty, with two rolled joints. A peace offering or something, didn’t Native Americans smoke some shit when they talked about peace? His mind was racing all over, from Lord of the Rings he saw years ago to borderline racism and from there into, for some reason, Van Gogh paintings. Sunflowers. Had he seen them somewhere recently? Yes, he had, he remembered now. After Isak had moved into Lydia’s apartment they had gotten their first shared mail with Lydia, with both their names and their common address. It had been from his mother. A postcard. Sunflowers, painted by Van Gogh. It was stuck on their fridge door with a Garfield magnet.

Isak had planned to just leave Miss Kitty by the door and run away. But then he remembered the joints. He could not leave those out in the open. He had taken his ring off. He was kidding himself, he thought and finally manned up enough to ring Even’s doorbell. He wanted to see him. He needed to see him. He needed to explain himself to someone and Even was a good candidate for that.

Even opened the door.

“God! Put a shirt on!” Isak exclaimed, taken by surprise.

Even raised his eyebrows.

“Where’s Miss Kitty?”

Isak pushed his hand into his pocket. He was not looking at Even’s bare chest, he stared into space through the opening his arm made by his waist.

“I have her. Are you busy?”

Even tilted his head.

“Are you seriously assuming I’m letting you into my home again, knowing you’re a thief?”

Isak turned his head to look Even into his eyes.

“Well. That’s better than a killer? At least we know I’m not that.”

Even rolled his eyes.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that either.”

“I’d just like to explain myself”, Isak sighed. Even pondered. Then he nodded and stepped back.

“Fine. Give me Miss Kitty, explain and then leave.”

Isak had to step over a hill of unopened mail on the floor. The pile of dishes in the kitchen looked like the same one he had seen weeks ago, but now the kitchen counter was filled with empty takeout boxes. The sheets on the bed were the same, he was sure about that. Everything was the same, but only..worse. Messier.

“Are you..is everything okay?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged.

“Miss Kitty went missing.”

Isak looked around. He realized Even wasn’t wearing a shirt because probably all of his shirts were in the piles in the bathroom or by the bed. The air in the apartment was heavy. When was the last time someone had opened a window?

“This looks..like more than a missing figurine.”

“Whatever”, Even snapped and pushed a random selection of stuff - clothes, at least two books, a notepad and a pencil case - on the floor from a chair and offered it to Isak. “Now, sit down, give me my cat and explain yourself. Then  _ leave _ .” Isak noticed the emphasis. He was not welcome here. That was good. Kind of.

Isak sat down. He dug Miss Kitty out of his pocket, with the joints.

“Want to light up?”

Even snatched the cat and cupped his palms around it.

“I want you to say what you have to say and get the fuck out.”

Isak took a deep breath. He looked at the floor. He noticed the notebook had flipped open and he saw a sketch of something familiar. He picked it up.

“Did you  _ draw _ my dick?”

Even yanked the notebook away from him.

“You really have issues with recognising the difference between your property and someone else’s.”

“It’s just that you got it wrong.”

“I did  _ not _ ”, Even scoffed.

“Uhh, yeah you did.”

“I got close enough for recognition, didn’t I? I’m an artist, not a fucking camera.”

Even had a point there. Isak sighed.

“Okay. You win. And you really are an artist, that was a very good picture.”

“Should I frame it for your bride?”

Okay. Isak did deserve that. He had been an asshole left and right, but Even still didn’t know why. He had to explain.

“Look, I get it. You’re pissed. I was stupid. I still am. I’m a fucking mess and you’re right to stay the fuck away.” Isak looked at Even again. He tried looking away but he didn’t like that. “I meant what I said last time. About me. And you. About my missing parts.”

Even rolled his eyes again and took Miss Kitty to its place in the bookshelf. But he didn’t argue. Or ask him to leave. He let Isak continue, and he had turned his back at him so he could just stare at him and try to remember how words worked. Again.

“I’m not gay. I am not. I want to have a wife and kids, the whole package.”

Even tensed up. Isak couldn’t blame him. He was sitting here telling him that he was not something he wanted, even after last time and. Fuck. This hadn’t gone at all like Isak had planned.

“I took Miss Kitty as I left, yes. I wanted a reason to come back here. Back to you.”

Even sighed.

“What in the name of fuck made you think you’d be welcome here?”

“Do you consider yourself slutty?”

Even spun around. He stared at Isak, not believing his ears.

“ _ What _ ?”

Isak repeated his question, calmly.

“First, no. Second, none of your fucking business.”

“Well then”, Isak said. “Why did you take me to bed five minutes after meeting me?” If Even was not slutty, if that wasn’t something he normally did. Why that time?

Even kept staring at Isak. Then he shook his head.

“The way you looked at me”, he said silently. “Nobody has looked at me like that, ever. I wanted you to never stop.”

“The way I looked at you?”

“You look at me like I’m something wonderful. Not something sexy or interesting or fun, but like I’m. I don’t know, amazing. You look amazed.”

“I  _ am _ amazed.”

“And also fucking adorable.”

Isak blushed a bit. Adorable. That was not what he was going for in general.

“But I can’t let you do this to me”, Even said. Isak blinked, confused.

“Do what?”

“You! I’m not going to be some home wrecker or fling.”

Isak could not counter that. Not without some serious lying or self deception. Both of which were not completely out of the question but probably a bad move right now. He got up and sighed.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Yes”, Even said. “No. Maybe. I seriously have no idea anymore.”

Isak took a step. Towards Even.

“Better or worse now?”

Even thought about it. “Better.”

Isak took another step. Even nodded. And three steps was all it took for him to get to Even, so close he could touch him.

“How’s this?” Isak asked softly.

Even smiled, but it wasn’t a full grown smile. It was something smaller and more insecure. Timid.

“You smell really good”, Isak said. Even laughed.

“I haven’t showered in days! I stink!”

Isak pressed his face against Even’s bare chest and took a deep breath.

“Mmmm. So good.”

“Stoo-oop”, Even giggled and hit Isak’s shoulders lightly. Playfully. When Isak pulled back he saw that Even’s smile was now in full bloom and up to his eyes. “Alright then.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even and pulled him close. Even pressed his forehead against his, their noses barely touched once, twice, three times, altering sides. Nose to nose, to cheek, to nose again. Isak touched Even’s face with his, all over, lips parted. Then he kissed that face, the jawline, the tip of his chin, the cheekbone, the dimple, the corner of his mouth. Light kisses, butterflies, he felt Even’s body against his and pressed himself closer with each kiss.

“You really are amazing”, Isak murmure on Even’s lips. Then he kissed them. Even kissed him back. Isak felt..wonderful? He wasn’t horny, he was turned on of course because god,  _ look at him _ , but he was more..happy? Yes. More happy than horny. That was a whole new sensation. Horppy? Harny?

Isak’s pondering was interrupted by a sudden moan he let out when Even pressed his hard on against his thigh. He was happy, and now horny in equal amount. He felt that beautiful perfectly proportioned outline against him and pressed closer. It was intoxicating. Isak slipped his hand between their bodies. He pushed it against Even’s bulge and moaned softly. He rubbed it, slowly, the way it made Even shiver was delicious.

“I want to taste you”, Isak whispered. He was pretty sure he had to up the stakes so Even would let him stay. If he couldn’t keep Even interested, offer him something, Even would remember Isak was not welcome here. He ran his fingers up and down Even’s shaft. “Please.”

Even gasped.

“Well, since you did ask nicely..”

Isak loved the sounds he made Even make. The gasps, the sharp breaths, the tiny barely audible whimpers. The shivering “fuck” brought to life by his fingers trailing the skin under his waistband. Then he remembered something that made him stop on his tracks. Fuck.

“What?” Even whispered. Isak licked his lips quickly. He was embarrassed but he wasn’t sure for the reason.

“Um. You told me you haven’t showered in days and..”

“Shit! Fuck! Yes! I mean no.” Even stepped back, horrified. “Five minutes.” Even rushed to the bathroom door and saw the chaos inside. “Okay. Ten minutes. Please don’t leave.” Even shut the door and disappeared. Isak grabbed the notebook and sat down on the bed to browse it.

Even was talented. He made things come to life with just a few lines. Isak could almost hear the flapping and fluttering when he turned to a page with a swarm of pigeons taking flight. His trees were particularly good. And then Isak saw his dick on the paper. It curved to the left. It was the only dick in the whole notebook. Even was not a slut. The water started running in the bathroom and Isak took a moment to imagine Even, naked, in the shower, with droplets of water on his skin, his hair getting wet and clinging to his face. He pressed his palm lightly against his crotch and sighed softly.

“Do you have fresh sheets?” Isak asked.

“What?” Even shouted through the water and the door. Isak stood up and walked closer.

“Fresh sheets. I would like some if you have them.” It was silent. Isak could hear only the shower raining down. No splashes. Even wasn’t moving. “Even?”

“Uh. Yeah. Left cupboard, top shelf.”

“Thanks.” Isak opened the cupboard. There it was, a sheet, rolled up. He took it and pulled the old sheet out of the bed. A storm of crumbs rained down on the floor. Isak looked at them and ended up sweeping the floor with the used sheet. He left it on the floor and spread the fresh one on the bed.

When Even turned the shower off Isak had changed the pillowcases as well. It felt a bit weird, like he was trespassing, but he just couldn’t..the bed was simply nasty. He would have to confront Even about that later. Later. Because right now Even stepped out of the bathroom and he was wet, naked, clean. And hard.

“Undress”, Even said to him. Isak shivered. His tone was so sexy, it was soft and commanding at the same time. He wanted to obey. It felt good, to let Even tell him what to do. It felt exciting.

Isak took off his snapback and then his hoodie. He let Even see his bare chest, and he liked it. He liked being watched by Even, it made him feel seen. As Isak stepped out of his jeans and underwear Even smiled.

“I  _ so _ got it right.”

Isak laughed softly.

“If you say so. Feel free to do further research on the subject.”

The messy apartment disappeared from existence as Even walked to Isak. Each step smudged the outlines and blended the colours together, and against that background noise Even was sharp, vibrant and beautiful. Sunlight bled through the window onto his skin in golden splashes.

“You’re doing it again”, Even whispered, stroking Isak’s cheek. “You’re amazed.”

Isak nodded, mute. He was. He was so fucking amazed, by Even, by his light, by the way Even made him feel. He felt real. He felt found. He hadn’t known he’d been lost but now that Even had found him it was obvious, like someone had turned on the light in a room that had gotten gradually darker.

“Fuck”, Isak said under his breath. This time Even didn’t joke about it. He just smiled and leaned in to kiss him. His lips were warm and soft and now that he was clean he smelled even better than earlier. Isak’s happiness turned towards horny second by second, and as the kiss lingered on he felt the need, the want, the ache stir inside him. He wanted to have sex with this man, and that was most definitely making him feel very gay.

Isak kept throwing his body against Even in waves. He pressed closer, closer, rubbed himself all over, surrendering to his lust and their kiss.

“Come to bed”, Isak mumbled on Even’s lips. “I want to feel you.” With all of his body, with everything he had and was. He wanted to entwine it all to Even, so all that was him would become what was them.

Even’s fingers drew the outlines of Isak’s body as they traveled along his skin. The arch of his lower back, the soft round curves of his buttocks, the trembling flesh of his thighs. Isak wanted him. He wanted this. So bad. He was out of breath and out of control, willingly. He kissed Even and he kissed him again, over and over again, he pressed his hard dick against Even’s and moaned softly as they rubbed each other, their hips rocking in slow motion.

Isak had never felt so sexy as he did now, against this wonderful amazing hot man. Every little sound Even made, every sigh and gasp, made him feel things he didn’t know he was ever able to. He was a sex god. He was on fire. He  _ was _ fire, and every touch from Even made him burn brighter.

Even pushed his fingers into Isak’s hair. He guided him slowly lower, from kissing his lips to kissing his neck, his chest. Isak loved it, the sensation, he was pushed lower and lower to his goal, his prize. He nibbled at Even’s skin with his lips, let his tongue taste it in short flicks and longer licks. It tasted good. Even let him stay around his nipples for a while, to suck at them, tuck them with his teeth, but then he pushed again, lower. Isak laughed softly.

“Impatient.” Then again, so was he. He had fantasized about this, giving head to a man, and after meeting this man his fantasies had a specific target. Which he was now approaching. He could feel it against his chest as he traveled lower along Even’s body. The delicious dick, hard and erect, as Isak looked at it up close its beauty was enhanced. It was perfect. Isak licked his lips and touched that dick softly, brushing it with his fingers.

“You should draw yours. It’s the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen.” He had not seen that many, though, and none up close but this one. He was feeling a bit insecure, but his newly discovered sex deity position helped with that. And he had been paying close attention to Lydia’s technique lately. He pushed his tongue out and gave Even’s shaft a slow lick. It tasted like skin. He had been googling about that one night, and even asked Lydia, but the only proper answer had been always the same: a dick tastes like a dick. And they all taste different. Isak was both eager and nervous to find out what Even’s taste was like. He grabbed Even’s dick and leaned closer. It was glistening with precum, it was so beautiful. Even lied still, like a good boy, he gave Isak all the time he needed. Finally Isak closed his eyes and licked it.

It did not taste good.

“Fuck yes..” Even sighed, shivering, fondling Isak’s hair again. Isak swallowed. His mouth was filled with Even’s flavour, it was weird and kind of familiar, salty, a bit sweet, a lot musky. He did not like it. Thank heavens it didn’t make him gag, but.. Even was breathing heavily and gave his hair a gentle tuck. Isak really wanted to pleasure him. Plus, not liking the taste of cock was definitely a tick in a box on the no homo column, right?

Isak buckled up and went for it. He took Even in his mouth, letting his taste and his dick fill it. Though he didn’t like the taste he loved the sensation. The feeling of being filled, how his mouth was enveloping that dick, and the sounds Even made when he started to suck at it made it even better. He was starting to get in the mood again, despite the taste. Actually it kind of added to it, he was doing Even something that was pleasurable mostly for him, and that act of servitude seriously turned him on. As Even’s dick leaked into his mouth, his own was dripping as well.

He gave Even as good head as he could. He sucked hard, he tried to move his tongue, he tried to take it as deep as possible. He was drooling all over it and didn’t care one bit, he was hoping Even would like it as much as he did when Lydia got so carried away sucking him. Isak opened his eyes every once in a while, to look at Even, but he didn’t look back at him. His eyes were closed, his lips parted, he moaned softly, his fingers still in Isak’s hair.

After a while Isak had to stop. His jaw was tired and he just couldn’t get used to the taste. He pulled his head up, panting, and kept going with his hand. Even seemed to like it a lot, he moaned again and opened his legs wide and high. Isak noticed he could see Even’s hole perfectly. It was clean and kind of pretty, tight and puckered like a rosebud. Through his feverish lust Isak realized Even maybe wanted him to do something with that as well.

“Would you..” Isak’s voice was barely audible. He licked his lips and swallowed. “Would you like me to touch you. Uh. Down there?”

Even tried bravely but failed. He giggled, his legs shaking, at Isak’s question. Then he composed himself and reached for the lube on the nightstand.

“Yes, please. I would like that very much. Just take it easy, okay?”

Isak took the lube and nodded. Okay. He’d take it easy.

“I have never done this before. Just tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”

Even smiled.

“You’ll definitely know when you’re doing it right, I promise. Just don’t skimp on the lube. It’s not like a girl’s hole, I don’t lubricate myself. Down there.”

“If you don’t stop”, Isak growled, “I will.”

Even chuckled softly but didn’t tease Isak anymore. He spread his legs further again and grabbed his cheeks, pulling them apart. Even was open in front of Isak, yet somehow it was Isak who felt bare. His hands were shaking but he managed to open the tube and squeeze a generous amount of lubricant on his fingers. Even sighed happily when he wiped the excess on his hole. And as he eased his index finger inside him he moaned softly.

Isak did his best to take it slow and easy. If Even seemed to be remotely in pain he stopped immediately, and when Even nodded he started again. Finally his whole finger was there, inside Even, he felt warm and tight and Isak noticed he’d forgotten to breathe for quite a while. He moved his finger slowly, pulling it back a bit and pushing it in again, he listened to Even’s breathing as a guideline.

“You can go harder now.”

Isak blushed. But he still liked it. It was embarrassing, to be told what to do, and yet it was so fucking hot. He had a guide, a mentor, a teacher. Isak moved his finger faster, harder, and when he bent it out of habit he was surprised to hear Even moan. He was loud. Obviously he was now doing something right. So he did it again. And again.

“Deeper..just there but deeper..and harder”, Even uttered, panting. “Jerk me off too.”

Fucking yes. Now that he made Even writhe and moan in passion Isak was so turned on it ached all over, not just on his dick. He managed to get some lube on his free hand as well and grabbed Even’s cock. He started pumping at it, fast short strokes, he bent his finger faster and earned a fucking medal in multitasking as he pressed his face down and started licking and sucking Even’s balls. That drove Even crazy, made him practically howl, and when he came on Isak’s hand and into his  _ hair _ Isak felt like the gayest motherfucker on the planet. And the harniest.

Isak pulled his finger away from Even’s ass and sat up. He was curious. The way Even.. really, the  _ sounds _ he made when Isak.. fuck.

“Your turn”, Isak said, low and husky. He wanted to see. To know. He looked at Even’s hands, his long fingers, and something warm stirred in his lower abdomen. He had sperm in his hair and he was about to be technically fucked by a guy. He felt wonderfully dirty.

Even pulled him closer and kissed him. The kiss was a bit sloppy and exhausted but still eager, and during that kiss Even guided Isak on his back on the bed. When Even rolled on top of him Isak shivered. He trapped Isak’s body under him and pulled away from the kiss. His eyes twinkled.

“I don’t usually push my finger into anyone’s..’down there’, if they haven’t cleaned themselves up.”

Isak blushed fiercely. He had no idea what Even was talking about but he was sure it meant that he was somehow dirty. He tried to stutter something but Even pressed down and kissed him.

“I’ll just grab a towel just in case. This is my last clean sheet. You..don’t move.”

Isak swallowed. He felt trapped, in a good way. It didn’t matter that Even hadn’t tied or chained him into anything, or didn’t hold him down by force. He was glued to the spot, didn’t move a muscle, because it was forbidden. This, Isak noted, was something he should explore further later.

Even returned with a towel. He pulled Isak’s legs and hips up and placed it under him. It was so embarrassing, and at the same time oddly comforting. He wasn’t as responsible of his actions as earlier, now he was the object. He didn’t do things, they were done to him. It was hot, because Even was the one doing them. Isak felt a bit dizzy, like he’d been drinking.

Even pulled Isak’s legs apart. It made him gasp, sharply, it was so. Dominating. Isak looked at Even, lips parted, barely breathing. He looked so sexy up there, towering over him, ready to ravish him. If Even wanted to fuck him properly, with his perfect dick, would Isak let him? He did not know.

“Breathe”, Even said softly. He stroked Isak’s chest and stomach in long strokes, slowly, soothing him. “It will hurt a bit. Tell me to stop, and I will.”

Isak nodded. Even had to remind him again about breathing, but then he got back on track with that. Breathe in. Breathe out. In, out. Good. Even took the lube and used a lot of it on his finger, and as he spread Isak’s cheeks and lubed his hole Isak gasped again. God. It was so. He didn’t know what, but it was a lot of that. Even teased his hole, stroking and rubbing it, without pushing. It kind of tickled, but in a way that made Isak tremble, not giggle. He looked at Even, on his knees between his shaky legs, he looked back and smiled. There was something in that smile, a mischief, a hint of danger, that drove Isak insane. He wanted that man so bad.

“Fuck me. Push it in there.”

Even smirked triumphantly and complied. He pressed his finger against Isak and eased it inside. It stung a bit, and as Isak tensed up it hurt sharper. Even shushed, stroking his thigh, asking him to relax. He tried his best. Isak nodded and Even kept going. He invaded Isak, Isak was the land and Even the flag sinking into him. He was discovered, he was claimed. He loved it.

“There”, Even whispered. “It’s all the way in.”

Isak whimpered softly. He squirmed, he clenched the sheets, he pushed his hips against Even’s hand.

“Move.”

Even pulled his finger back just a bit, then pushed back in. Each stroke was longer and longer, bit by bit, it still hurt somewhat but it was a pain Isak was willing to endure. He was being fucked. By Even. By the most beautiful person in the world, by a man, whose dick had been inside him today.

“Kiss me”, Isak pleaded. He wanted Even to press against him, his finger inside him, and when he got what he wanted he moaned loudly onto Even’s lips. “Fuck me. God, fuck me.”

Even rocked his body against his, kissing him, moving his finger in sync with his movements. Isak’s rock hard dick rubbed against Even’s stomach, dripping precum, he had never been this turned on by anything. He wrapped his arms and legs around Even and pulled closer.

Then Even bent his finger.

“ _ Fuck _ !”

Isak was seeing stars. He had no idea how long his orgasm lasted, it felt like a lifetime, he just kept coming and coming, in an earthquake or an avalanche. He felt his sperm, wet on their stomachs, he felt Even pull his finger out of him slowly and he heard him chuckle, very pleased. It was so fucking intense Isak just couldn’t take it. He had to take it. It had nowhere else to go.

“Did I hurt you?”

Isak heard Even’s voice like from far away, or under water. He opened his eyes. Even was still on top of him, looking down at him so close and so beautiful. Isak looked at him with eyes full of wonder, confusion and tears.

“Not too much”, he managed to whisper.

Even caught a tear from Isak’s cheek on his fingertip.

“You’re crying.”

Isak shook his head.

“Not really. It’s just. It’s just so much, I can’t contain it.”

Even looked puzzled. And a bit worried.

“It’s okay. You’re fucking amazing. Please kiss me again.”

Isak enforced his words by pulling Even’s head down into a kiss. It was relaxed and lingering, they were spent, and now basking in the afterglow. It had always been Isak’s favourite part. He pulled Even closer still, not satisfied until he rested on him with all his weight. He didn’t feel heavy, he felt good. Isak was safe under him, and whole. He didn’t move in a long time.

“Did I make a mess?” Isak whispered. He was blushing again.

Even shook his head. He looked ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to embarrass you.”

“What? Why?”

“I thought you wouldn’t like it. I’m sorry.”

Isak was puzzled. He didn’t understand.

“Then why did you do it?”

“So you wouldn’t want to come back.”

Now he was even more puzzled. Even wasn’t making any sense.

“And you’re telling me this because..?”

Even sighed. He still looked ashamed, and sorry, and a bit sad.

“Because I want you to. Come back.”

Isak’s head was spinning. He pushed Even off him. Softly, not shoving, but he just needed to be his own person now for this conversation. He needed his own outlines, no smudges and blending.

“You’re not making any sense. Do you want me to come back or not?”

Even took a long time to think. Isak wasn’t at all sure what he wanted the answer to be. This was wrong, he was cheating Lydia, but this was where he felt happy and whole and. Real. But he didn’t want to have this outside this apartment. He didn’t want to walk out the door holding Even’s hand.

“Do you want to come back?”

That wasn’t fair. Even threw the ball back to Isak. But this was a question that he would have to answer sooner or later.

“Yes. I want to come back. I want to. I don’t know, get to know you?”

Even scoffed.

“You have a bride. Do you love her?”

“Yes.” That was an easy question. Yes, Isak loved Lydia. He didn’t enjoy sex with her in the same way he enjoyed it with Even, but he did love her. “I’m not going to leave her.”

“That’s exactly why you should never return. It’s why you should leave right now.”

Isak looked at Even. He didn’t look at Isak, he was staring at the ceiling.

“But do you want me to leave and never come back?”

“It doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not right.”

Isak turned on his side. He placed his hand on Even’s chest, firmly.

“No. That’s a lie. This..” Isak stroked Even’s skin. It was so smooth. “This is  _ right _ . It’s unfair and shitty and I’m a cheating asshole but this right here, this is right.”

“This is cheating.”

“This is more than that and you know it.” This was more. This wasn’t just a fling or pleasure or Isak being a dick, this was more. This was important. Necessary.

Even pushed his hand away and sat up.

“That doesn’t make this less cheating. Please go take a shower, get dressed and leave.”

Isak tried to make Even talk to him but he didn’t budge. He grabbed his notebook and a pencil and started sketching, being careful to not show Isak what he was drawing. Isak gave up, got up and walked to the bathroom. He took the pristine towel with him from the bed. Walking didn’t hurt, but he was oddly aware of his asshole. He assumed it would settle in time, and kind of didn’t want it to. He wanted to remember this.

The bathroom was in the same state as the rest of the apartment. It was dirty. There were piles of dirty laundry on the floor, the toilet seat looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in months and there was some grayish residue on the floor of the shower. Isak scrubbed it off with a worn out nail brush before stepping into the shower. The shower head was partly clogged by calcified water, but it still worked.

“Dude, you’re out of shampoo”, Isak yelled over the water’s hissing sound. Even didn’t answer. Isak sighed and grabbed some soap from the sink’s edge. He rubbed it until it foamed and then rubbed that into his sperm stained hair. He’d have to take a new shower when he got home.

Isak stepped into the living room, the towel wrapped around his hips. Even was still naked on the bed, drawing. He was focused on what he was doing, a wrinkle between his brows, and he was absolutely beautiful.

“Even. Hey. Do you need money?”

Even’s pencil stopped moving. He didn’t look up but he was listening.

“I mean, I have some cash in my wallet and --”

“I’m not a prostitute, thank you very much.” Even’s voice was like sandpaper.

“That’s not what I --”

“If you come here, fuck me, give me money and return to your fiancé that makes me a prostitute by definition.”

“Technically at most! I’m not paying you for sex, I’m trying to help you out.”

Even was drawing again. The pencil made a silent scratching sound when it rubbed onto the paper.

“If you want to help me, get the fuck out of here and let me be.”

Despair grabbed Isak by the heart and squeezed hard. It hurt him, to see Even live like this. But Even didn’t want his help. He didn’t want anything from him, he had made that clear many times. But Isak was such an asshole that he didn’t listen.

“Even, please.”

Even didn’t respond in any way. Isak finally got the hint and collected his clothes. He got dressed.

“Would you like to inspect my pockets for stolen property?”

No reaction. Nothing. Isak’s already battered heart sank. He walked to the door and out of it, glanced at the clock on his phone and realized how late it had gotten. He needed to make it home and into the shower before Lydia and her mother got back. He started running. He hoped Even didn’t look at him from his window. He didn’t look back to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be worse.


	3. The Cleanse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was the thing, though. Even was nothing casual. He was haunting. He was a shadow that never left his side. Isak wondered what kind of cheese Even bought when he was at the grocery store, what would Even think of the movie he was watching on the TV with Lydia. Did Even listen to music at night to help him fall asleep. Isak was lucky that Lydia was so busy with the house hunting that she was most likely grateful that Isak was so absent minded and didn’t disturb her planning. They both made sure to notice each other at least in the morning and at bedtime, and their sex life was regular for baby making purposes. Isak really wanted to be a father, and Lydia would make a great mother, and if that meant having sex with the woman he was about to marry then so be it. Sex with Even had been better, but that didn’t make sex with Lydia bad. He had been happy in Even’s apartment, but that didn’t mean his life outside it was terrible. He was content with Lydia. He was going to become a father. He was going to have a family.

Isak couldn’t stop thinking about Even. Every time he took a shower in his spacious bathroom he thought about the dirty floor and lack of shampoo. When he changed the sheets he pondered if Even still used the same ones he had changed. If the previous sheet still sat on the floor where he had left it. He thought about what Even might have drawn in his notebook, he imagined what he’d whisper into Miss Kitty’s porcelain ears. He wondered if Even thought about him, and if so, in what tone. It was true that he had fucked up, badly. Why had he told Even about his non gay agenda in the first place? Why didn’t he just fuck him and leave it at that? Gay guys did have casual sex, right?

That was the thing, though. Even was nothing casual. He was haunting. He was a shadow that never left his side. Isak wondered what kind of cheese Even bought when he was at the grocery store, what would Even think of the movie he was watching on the TV with Lydia. Did Even listen to music at night to help him fall asleep. Isak was lucky that Lydia was so busy with the house hunting that she was most likely grateful that Isak was so absent minded and didn’t disturb her planning. They both made sure to notice each other at least in the morning and at bedtime, and their sex life was regular for baby making purposes. Isak really wanted to be a father, and Lydia would make a great mother, and if that meant having sex with the woman he was about to marry then so be it. Sex with Even had been  _ better _ , but that didn’t make sex with Lydia  _ bad _ . He had been happy in Even’s apartment, but that didn’t mean his life outside it was terrible. He was content with Lydia. He was going to become a father. He was going to have a family.

Yet he thought about Even. How sincere his smile had first been, then how it got a sad hue, growing darker every second he spent with Isak. He was not good for Even. Even was not good for him. Isak kept telling himself that. He was not welcome in Even’s life, and Even had no place in his. Isak uninstalled and reinstalled Grindr over and over again, wrote Even messages he erased without sending, looked at Even’s profile picture and wondered why he hadn’t blocked him already. 

He thought about how fucked up Even’s life seemed to be.

Even lived in a dump. The apartment was nice, though tiny, but it was not looked after at all. Neither was Even himself. It was none of his business, but Isak was still worried. He really wanted to help Even out. And one night he finally figured out how he might try.

 

Osloboy3485

I have a proposition to you

 

Viv

So do I. Fuck off.

 

Osloboy3485

I’m serious. Please.

 

Viv

No

 

Osloboy3485

I want you to draw me. And pay for your art.

 

Viv

I think you typoed “blow me”

 

Osloboy3845

I’m serious!

 

Viv

3000 kr

 

Viv

Cash

 

Osloboy3845

Deal

 

Viv

WHAT?

 

Osloboy3845

When can I come?

 

Viv

I will NOT draw you nude

 

Osloboy3845

Can I be?

 

Viv

What?

 

Osloboy3845

You won’t draw nude, but can I be nude?

 

Viv

NO NUDE

 

Osloboy3845

Fair enough

 

Osloboy3845

Are you home tomorrow night?

 

Viv

Yes

 

Osloboy3845

I’ll come over

 

Osloboy3845

Do you eat everything?

 

Viv

What?

 

Osloboy3845

I can bring food. Are you like vegan or something?

 

Viv

No

 

Osloboy3845

No vegan or

 

Viv

Just no

 

Osloboy3845

I’m feeling like chinese food

 

Viv

I don’t know how to make you take no for an answer

 

Viv

But you better learn soon

 

Osloboy3845

I need to eat too. Come on. My treat.

 

Viv

Fuck you

 

Viv

Noodles. I hate white rice.

 

Next night Isak stood behind Even’s door. He had two plastic bags in his hands, filled with fried noodles. He didn’t know what Even wanted with them so he had bought a selection - veggies, pork, duck, beef, shrimp and chicken. He had three grands in his wallet, a metric fuckton of chinese food and a lump in his belly. He rang the doorbell and waited.

Even opened the door. He was wearing gym shorts and a top. The pile of mail was higher, the unopened envelopes looked angrier.

“What the fuck?” Even stared at Isak’s bags. Isak shrugged.

“I like variation.”

Even frowned. But he pushed the door open and let Isak in. Isak looked around, horrified. It had just gotten worse. If a rat had ran across the floor Isak wouldn’t have been surprised. The take out boxes had started spreading from the kitchen into the room, he could see no clear horizontal space anywhere and the air was so heavy his head started to hurt. This was not normal.

Isak pushed the bags into Even’s hands.

“Here. Go sit somewhere and eat.” He was about to do something fucking invasive but someone had to do it. Didn’t Even have any friends? Nobody who’d care about this? Isak started by walking to the window and opening it. It was still warm outside, early fall, the evenings were gentle. Fresh air started to flow into the apartment.

“What are you doing?”

Isak didn’t look at Even. Instead he started to collect the takeout boxes from the floor.

“What the fuck? Stop that!”

Isak didn’t stop. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t look at Even, he wasn’t going to have a conversation about this. This was going to happen and there was nothing Even could do about it. Isak could only hope Even would not get physical with his objections. What he was doing was wrong and bad and violent, but he didn’t see any fucking options. He wanted to breathe in this apartment. He wanted that Even could breathe in here. And if that meant that he had to be the bad guy then so be it.

Fifteen minutes later all the boxes were in a single pile and the dirty laundry gathered inside a sheet to be carried into the basement for washing. Even had stopped yelling at him and was eating his noodles, huddled onto the bed and inside a blanket. It was covering him completely. Isak could only imagine how embarrassed Even was right now. He wished he knew how to tell him there was no reason to be.

“I haven’t thrown anything away”, he said. He didn’t know if Even was a hoarder or just a fucking mess or both. He had freaked out about Miss Kitty, so it could be any of those. “It’s all still here. It’s your trash.” It was trash. But not Isak’s. He just moved it around a bit so he could fit in here.

“Are you fucking serious?” Even asked through the blanket.

“Yeah?”

“Are you seriously telling me you think I’m hoarding this shit? That I’m like those crazy people on TV who can’t part with a coupon from 1987?”

“No”, Isak said. “I think that I have no idea why you are living like this, and I’m being enough of an asshole by just organizing shit for a bit.”

“And you still do it?”

“And I still do it. I am an asshole.”

“You most certainly are.”

Even’s formal reply gave Isak some hope. They had joked around with formal talk earlier, and them doing it now meant that there was something, some kind of connection, between them.

“Now, if it’s okay with you, I’d love to do your laundry. With you or for you, either way.”

“If I say no will it make a difference?”

Isak sighed.

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“You can’t just walk into my life and fix it.”

“I can try.”

Two hours later Isak had taken the laundry downstairs, filled up two washers and while they were running he had collected two huge bags of trash from the apartment. With Even’s permission, he assured he had no emotional attachment to the empty takeout boxes or pizza flyers. While Isak was working Even did nothing. He just laid on the bed on his side, in fetal position, under the blanket. Only a tuft of his hair was visible. As Isak returned from the basement for the second time - the clothes and linens were now in the dryer - he walked to the bed and sat down.

“You don’t need to be ashamed”, he said silently. “I’m worried about you, not judging you.”

Even scoffed.

“Right.”

Isak really wanted to touch that hair. He wanted to hold Even and tell him everything would be alright. He wanted to lie.

“Really. You’re obviously not well.”

Even scoffed again. He curled up into a tighter roll. Isak couldn’t resist anymore, he reached out and touched Even’s hair. It was heavy and greasy.

“I’m going to eat something now and then I’ll do the dishes, okay?”

Even mumbled something Isak couldn’t make out. But he had stopped yelling at him. So Isak went to get some noodles and was happy no notice Even had wolfed down half of three boxes. Variation.

Isak settled on one half - shrimp, yum - and after eating it empty he placed the box into one of the trash bags. It was time to climb Mount Dish. Now that it had been dug out from under all the junk it didn’t actually seem that bad. It was a lot, but it was manageable. Also, when Isak had something completely non-Even-related to do he felt calmer and more collected. He hummed silently to himself, he looked at the suds and the water and just washed, rinsed, repeated until the dishes were done. He just left them in the sink to drain, all the towels were in the dryer. Isak tried to find something to even dry his hands with but had to finally settle on toilet paper. Even hadn’t moved.

“Do you have a vacuum cleaner?”

Even grunted. His hand emerged from under the blanket and pointed at the closet. Isak could only imagine the silent hell he was in now, just lying there, unable to move, simmering in his shame while Isak worked. He wanted to tell him it was okay, that he chose to do this, that he wanted to do this, but he couldn’t think of the words that would actually convince Even. So he just went to gather the mail from the floor instead. He placed the stack on the side table and went to get the vacuum cleaner.

Isak opened the closet carefully. He couldn’t be sure something didn’t fall on him, so he kept his distance. Nothing alarming happened. The closet was mostly empty, but the vacuum cleaner was indeed on the floor. Isak took it out and got to work. He noticed soon that first he had to change the dustbag. He couldn’t find anything but an empty box in the closet, and he knew without asking that no, Even wouldn’t have any. So Isak took the filled bag out and shook it empty into one of the bags.

He had to repeat the emptying process twice before the floors were vacuumed. But then it was done. He was done. And hungry again, so he went to the kitchen to get some more noodles. He hadn’t dared open the fridge. He didn’t dare to ask if he could. Isak liked his noodles best at room temperature anyway, and he finished the box of chicken noodles happily. The air in the apartment was fresher, there was space now, it wasn’t so fucking dirty - well, it was still dirty, but more tolerably so. He didn’t feel like he needed a hazard suit.

Isak went to close the window. He turned to look at Even.

“Now it’s your turn.”

Even groaned.

“I mean it. You need to take a shower. You will feel better when you’re clean.”

“I will feel better when you get the fuck out.”

“I’m not going before you take a shower. Get up, I’m changing the sheets. The dryer should be done by now.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Isak stopped midstep. Why, indeed? Didn’t he have anything better to do than clean up Even’s apartment by force, against Even’s will?

“To make myself feel better about leaving you here.” That was the truth. He wanted to buy himself a cleaner conscience by making this apartment cleaner. He wasn’t washing Even’s dishes, he was washing himself.

Even laughed dryly.

“You are the biggest asshole I’ve ever known.”

“So I’ve come to understand. Now, drag your ass in the shower.”

The way Even moved reminded Isak of The Blob. He didn’t as much walk as ooze forward, wrapped inside the blanket, but at least he was moving. He didn’t show his face to Isak either.

“I want those sheets”, Isak said. Even closed the bathroom door and then cracked it open, dropping the covers on the floor before closing the door and locking it. Isak sighed. Fine. He pulled the sheets from the bed and grabbed the one from the floor and headed back into the basement.

The water was still running when Isak returned. He took the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the bed with it, and the floor around the bed once more. Then he put the clean sheets on. Isak glanced at the bathroom door. Even was in there, he was naked, and..no. Isak was not welcome. He didn’t want to be more of an asshole than he was already being. So he just went to get the stack of mail and started to sort it out by sender and by approximated order of delivery. Some of them were from the health services. Isak put them on a pile closest to the door. They seemed most important.

Maybe Even was ill? That might’ve been why he didn’t want to let Isak in. Maybe he was dying. Isak’s chest felt tight. Even could have anything, probably cancer, something with a set date. It’s hard to be motivated to open your bills when you know you’ll be gone soon, right? Isak thought about Even in a hospital bed, head shaven and in tubes, and his eyes teared up.

“That’s mine”, Even said from the kitchen door. He was wearing a hoodie and slacks Isak remembered bringing up with him. They were probably still a bit warm. Isak hoped they made Even feel comfortable.

“I know. I haven’t opened any, I just sorted them out a bit.” Isak wiped his eyes, hoping Even didn’t notice. If he did, he didn’t care.

“Here.” Isak handed the health services mail to Even. “These seem important.”

Even snatched the envelopes from him and shoved them into the garbage bag. Isak stared at him wide eyed.

“What are you doing?”

“Cleaning up”, Even said with a straight face. He grabbed the other envelopes and put them in the trash as well. Isak looked at him horrified.

“You can’t make them go away like that. They’ll just send more and add fees and..are you dying?”

That question made Even stop. He looked at Isak and he looked completely confused.

“What?”

“Are you..are you dying? Is that why you don’t give a shit about anything?”

Even stared at Isak. He couldn’t believe his ears. He looked upset and he looked..angry?

“Just who the fuck do you think you are?” Even worked hard to keep his voice calm. For a moment Isak was almost afraid Even would smack him. He’d deserved it. Isak didn’t answer Even’s question, because he had  no answer to give. At least none that wouldn’t make him seem like a huge dick. He had gone too far. Fuck.

“I don’t want you in my life! I want to go on with my own and forget about you and then you keep appearing to my door like a fucking lost puppy and want to  _ fucking play house _ ! Fuck!”

Isak stared at the table. He felt ashamed. He felt small. He felt like shit. And he knew he deserved all that. What the hell was he doing here? He should leave.

Then he heard Even sniffle. That sound grabbed his heart and twisted. Isak raised his eyes and yes, Even was crying. He was hiding inside his hood, leaning on the doorframe, his hand in front of his mouth and eyes closed. Isak had never felt so fucking helpless in his life. He had to do  _ something _ so he got up and walked to Even and hugged him. Even tried to push him away but it was a pathetic attempt. Isak didn’t budge, and Even finally just leaned onto him.

Isak didn’t say anything. He still wanted to, he wanted to tell Even everything would be okay, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know that. For all he knew Even could die tomorrow, his insides black with tumors. So he just stood there and held him, held him tight against his aching heart.

They just stood there for a long time. Isak did his best to hold Even together as he crumbled. Isak held Even tightly, he let Even cry on his shoulder, he was relieved when Even finally wrapped his arms around him as well. He had found the strength to hold on. It was a good thing. It gave Isak hope.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Even. Please.” Isak spoke softly, like hushing a frightened animal. He stroke the back of Even’s neck through the hood. There, there.

Even took a long shivering breath. He shook his head and pulled away from Isak. Isak let him. He felt cold without his body against him.

“I am sick. But not like you think.” Even spoke silently. He didn’t look at Isak. Isak looked at Even, at his lips, he wanted to kiss him so bad. He had wanted to ever since he got here. But he forced himself to look at Even’s eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m. Fuck.” Even really struggled with this. Isak took his hand.

“It’s okay. Really.”

Even shook his head.

“It’s not. It’s  _ never _ okay and I’m just so tired of it right now.”

Isak lifted his free hand on Even’s cheek. Please, look here.

“Just tell me.”

“It’s not..it’s not anything new. I’ve had it since I was seventeen. Probably longer, but then I got diagnosed.” Even pulled his head back. Isak lowered his hand. But didn’t let go of Even’s. Even took a deep breath.

“I’m bipolar. And I have no idea why I’m telling you this.”

Isak nodded slowly. Bipolar. He had an idea of what that was. But he would have to look it up as soon as possible, to educate himself.

“That’s like the manic depressive thing?”

“That’s slurry these days. But yes.”

“And.” Isak looked around, then at Even. “This is the depressive part?”

Even shrugged.

“More or less. I suppose. I don’t  _ feel _ sick but I  _ know _ I am and. Look at this place. It’s a dump! After hours of cleaning it’s still a fucking dump.”

“Hey, come on. It’s okay, I’ll come back later and --”

“Fuck, Isak!” Isak realized, now that he heard Even finally say it, that Even hadn’t said his name once after the first night. He had missed it. “You can’t fix this! This can’t be fixed! I can eat pills all my life and I’ll never be normal. Never.” Even’s voice faded away and he bit his fist. He was shaking. Isak didn’t know what to do.

“Um.” Isak grabbed the hem of Even’s hoodie and fondled it. “It looks like that. Uh. Are you taking any pills now? I mean, I didn’t find anything anywhere, boxes or anything.”

Even blushed. Isak sighed.

“Are you feeling now better or worse than when you were taking them?”

“I don’t know.” Even shrugged. “I’ve been feeling like shit since I met you.”

Isak’s heart was stabbed with an icicle. He jumped.

“Are you saying this is my fault? This place was a dump when you first took me here!”

“Fuck you!” Even moved so suddenly that Isak grouched. Even looked at him with contempt and marched to his bed. “Stop looking like a dog somebody just kicked. You have no right!”

Isak followed Even. He was fuming. He had just spent hours cleaning up this place, and days thinking about barely anything else than Even, he was worried sick, and this is his thanks?

“I have no right?  _ I _ have no right? You fucking turned my life upside down in one night! I have everything I ever wanted and it feels like I have NOTHING.”

“I did NOT make you gay!”

“I AM NOT GAY!”

Even got up, grabbed Isak’s head and kissed him. He kissed him hard and deep and Isak’s knees felt weak. He pressed himself tightly against Even, his heart was racing, and so was his mind. The kiss was angry and exhausting and incredible, but when it stopped Even pulled back with something wicked in his smile.

“You taste gay.”

“Oh you fucking..” Isak pounced Even. He caught him by surprise and they fell on the bed, Isak on top of Even. He pressed Even down with all his might and kissed him. Blood rushing in his ears, traveling rapidly lower. All he could see was a thick red mist, all he could feel was a burn.

Even opened his mouth and let Isak’s tongue in. Isak conquered it. He tastes gay? Fine, he’d give Even a real taste of all his gay then. Fucker. He grabbed Even’s hoodie and pulled it off by force, Even did the same to his shirt. Isak kissed Even again and bit his lip as he felt Even’s fingernails scratching his back. Fucking bitch! Even let out a pained moan and Isak let go. Only to bite him again, almost as hard.

Even hissed and scratched him again, lower. Isak dug his nails into Even’s shoulder, he bit his neck, he bit down hard and sucked at it until the pale skin was decorated with a dark purple bruise. He groaned and made another one, lower, on Even’s collar bone. Even whimpered and cursed and kept scratching Isak, his back was on fire, and that fire made him angrier and hornier. He was so pissed. Even was wrong, he was wrong and unfair and Isak just wanted him so fucking bad. He was angry at Even, angry at himself and angry at Lydia.

Even cried out when Isak shoved his hand into his pants and grabbed his dick. He was already hard, and Isak jerked him off in quick furious strokes. Even opened his eyes and looked into his, then he pinched at Isak’s nipple and twisted, hard. Isak let out a short scream and squeezed harder. So did Even, and Isak had to let go first. He did not like that at all. So he dove in and bit down on Even’s nipple, he bit down hard. Not hard enough to draw blood but hard enough to make Even whimper.

Even managed to push Isak away and grab his forearms. He flipped them around, swiping Isak’s legs with his foot, and Isak ended up under Even. He moved quickly like a fox and slid down, pulling Isak’s jeans off without opening them. He left them bunched at Isak’s knees and dug Isak’s hard dick out of his underwear. Isak moaned loudly as Even took him into his mouth. Motherfucker played dirty.

Even sucked at him hard. He was like a fucking vacuum cleaner, it almost felt like he was trying to suck his balls out through his dick. Isak moaned, and hissed when Even scratched at his stomach and hips. He grabbed Even’s still damp hair and pulled. Even whined but kept sucking. He moved his head up and down, riding on Isak’s dick. It was incredible. It was so savage. They weren’t civilized people anymore, they were animals, acting on their primal needs.

“I want to fuck you”, Isak gasped. He looked at Even, feverish, and saw that Even wanted the same. He was flushed, he rocked his hips while he was sucking him, he was hard inside his slacks. “Get the lube.” He had brought condoms with him because he was a bastard, but he didn’t remember them now. He wanted to feel Even. Even lifted his head up.

“You taste gay down here as well.”

Isak’s eyes flashed with anger. He sat up and pulled Even by his hair into a deep kiss. Even fucked Isak’s mouth with his tongue, nearly choking him, Isak scratched at Even’s ribs hard enough to draw blood. He hated this man. He wanted this man. He hated himself. All that anger and lust rolled into a ball and Isak was in its center, its pressure building up harder and harder around him. Either it would explode or Isak would implode, eventually.

Even got up and grabbed the lube. He shoved it in Isak’s hand, as a dare, he was daring Isak to do this. Fucking bitch. Isak pushed Even on the bed and turned him on all fours. Even put up a fight but lost, maybe willingly. Isak pulled his slacks and underwear down and licked his lips when he saw that ass. Even had washed it thoroughly. Isak had known Even wanted him, he had been right. He lubed his index finger and pushed it into Even, hard and relentless. Even yelped, but he didn’t escape or ask Isak to stop. He pushed back against his hand. Bitch, bitch, bitch, it spun around in Isak’s head, Even was a little bitch and he’d get to fuck him.

Isak moved his finger, in and out. Even moaned and whined, hissing, grabbing the sheets into his fists. When Isak tried two fingers he winced.

“Not yet”, he gasped and Isak bent his middle finger back into his fist. He was angry, but he did not want to rape Even. There was the line. He added some lube and kept going with his index finger, hard and deep, and when Even started nodding he added the second one. He felt so fucking tight and hot and slippery because of the lube. Isak was dripping again.

“Tight little bitch”, Isak muttered. Even moaned. He sounded pleased.

“Faggot”, Even replied, rocking his hips faster. “Fucking faggot.”

Isak dug his fingernails into Even’s hip. Fucking bitch had no right to call him that. Even moaned louder, he grabbed the headboard and pushed his ass higher into air.

“Fuck me!”

Isak’s blood was boiling in his veins. He spread a generous amount of lube on his dick and added some more on Even’s ass as well. He wanted his bitch to be all wet for him. His first push didn’t even go in, it slipped between Even’s cheeks, but Isak grabbed himself and tried again, harder. Even cried out when his head went in. Isak stared down at Even’s ass, how his dick seemed to split it, he pushed harder and deeper and watched that fucking bitch take it in. He was panting, he was shaking, he forced himself all the way in. Then he heard Even whine and stopped.

“You okay?”

“Fuck me, asshole.”

Isak grunted and pulled back. He pulled it all the way out and started over, making Even whine and moan as he conquered his ass again. And again. Finally he stayed in there, his thrusts hard and deep, he held Even’s hips with his nails again and pounded him. The headboard was banging against the wall, Even was moaning and wailing, it was so intense. A fire that burned that brightly could never burn for long.

“FUCK!” Isak shouted as he came inside Even. Even’s ass clamped tight around him, it milked him dry, and Isak fell on the bed gasping for air. Even flung his leg over Isak and sat down on his chest, jerking off in front of his face, Isak felt his own sperm oozing out of Even on his skin. It was so dirty. He held Even’s hips, without nails this time, he kept him there on him and waited patiently. When Even came on his face he moaned softly, and as Even collapsed next to him Isak pulled him close and kissed him. It was a short kiss, out of breath, and after it they just laid there, gathering themselves, for a long time.

Isak caressed Even’s hair slowly. His heart swelled with gentleness and affection.

“I love you”, he whispered.

“No.”

Even’s reply made Isak blink, confused. He looked at Even, he looked back. His blue eyes has a cold hue, like a frozen pond.

“What do you mean no? I do.”

“You do not get to tell me that.” Even pushed himself away from Isak and out of the bed. His torso was covered in scratches and bruises, and Isak was horrified to realize that his body looked like that too.

“Fuck! How do I hide this..” Isak stopped talking when he heard himself, but it was too late. Even had turned his back to him, his arms wrapped tightly across his chest, his shoulders huddled forward. Isak didn’t have to be told to leave. He had hurt Even, again, hurt him so deeply and he had the nerve to say he loved him? Fuck.

Isak got dressed. Even didn’t move. He was like a statue, perfectly carved, and now slightly damaged all over. Isak’s heart felt like that too. He didn’t dare think how Even’s heart looked. He walked to the kitchen and pulled the mail out of the bags. He placed it on the kitchen table, took his things and walked to the door.

“Please. Get back on the pills.”

Even swirled around and something wooshed by Isak’s head and crashed into the wall. He looked down. Miss Kitty was on the floor, her head, tail and paw broken off and her ear chipped.

“GET OUT!”

Isak slipped out the door and closed it quickly. He had to stop midway down the stairs to wipe his eyes. He sat down, leaned his head against the wall and sobbed silently for a minute or two. Then he wiped his face, got up on his weak legs and forced them to move. He had some explaining to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued.


	4. Lithium, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short, but I wanted to separate these chapters here. Up next, Lithium, part two. Still unwritten, sorry.

Isak Valtersen was the luckiest bastard alive.

He had decided to tell Lydia that he had been with some girl. A good lie makes its teller look bad, and cheating on Lydia with a girl, only once, would have seriously made Isak look bad but it would also have hidden the most important secrets. It would have hidden Even, and that Isak had been seeing him repeatedly. It would have been tough, but Lydia could’ve forgiven him, once.

Then Isak had got lucky. When he had got home Lydia was in tears, huddled into the corner of the couch, inside a blanket and a hot water bottle on her lap. Her period had started, again. They weren’t pregnant. And that flow of blood and disappointment had given Isak the few nights without reproductive sex with his wife that he had needed for his scratches to fade away. It felt wrong, but Isak was happy that Lydia didn’t have to get hurt because of his bullshit. It was enough that Even got hurt by it.

The image of Miss Kitty, broken on the floor, had haunted Isak for weeks. Even had loved that thing. Isak had broken it. Technically it had been Even himself, but Isak knew perfectly well who was to blame about it. It was him. Even’s words haunted him as well. Could it really be that Isak had caused his spiraling into depression? Probably not, but he sure hadn’t helped, either. Isak had searched online about bipolar disorder and was now sure Even was having a depressive episode. And that it had been going on for a while now. He was certain it had started before they had met. Or maybe Even just was messy to being with, and he really had triggered something and -- no. Isak remembered every detail of Even, every time he’d seen him, and on that first night Even had decided to give him a way out, to force him out, and he had been okay with it.

Someone knocked on the bathroom door. Isak lifted his head, startled, and looked up at the lock. It was locked. He was safe. He had been sitting in here for a while now, on the floor, leaning on the wall and his knees bent. The bathroom smelled new and just scrubbed, they had just moved in their small house with two floors and three bedrooms and a large kitchen with an island and no wall between it and the living room. It was a perfect house, it was a dream home and it was their housewarming party, and Isak was hiding in the small upstairs bathroom with his phone. He could hear the music, chatter and laughter from downstairs.

“Occupied”, Isak said to the knocker. They groaned and left. Isak leaned his head on the wall behind him and sighed. He looked at his phone again. The wifi signal was a bit bad in this bathroom but now Grindr was finally downloaded and installed. Isak typoed his password twice, his hands were shaking that much. He was a bit drunk from the toasts he had raised with their guests, but not that drunk. It was his shivering heart that made his hands unstable as well.

Still no reply. Isak had sent Even dozens of messages, altering their tone between apologetic to borderline hostile and to begging, but nothing. Even still hadn’t blocked him. Isak could still reach out to him, and he could still look at Even’s picture. He didn’t dare take a screenshot of it, it was too risky.

The marks Even had made him had faded away, but Isak still relished their memory. It had been so fucking intense, the mere thought about Even’s angry kisses made Isak start salivating and his dick stir in its slumber. He had been fucking with Lydia as much as they could, they really wanted to get the baby started, but still Even’s image made him want more. His dick was raw from all the fucking and still he needed more. Isak sighed softly as he stroked himself lightly through his jeans, his eyes fixed on Even’s lips.

When Isak wasn’t turned on by the thought of Even, he was worried. His depressive episode had seemed severe, and Isak’s intrusion didn’t probably help at all. He had asked in a message, asked Even had he started eating his pills again, but there had been no answer. Isak wished he had Even’s number. But he knew it was good that he didn’t have it. He would’ve used it so badly.

Isak felt the bass of the music travel along the beams from the living room into the wall behind his head. It vibrated in his skull, and he remembered the nightclub where he had been waiting for Even to arrive. He remembered how Even had smiled at him, and how his scent had made Isak go crazy. God he missed that scent. He missed Even’s scent and eyes and lips and his long beautiful fingers that made him feel things he didn’t think possible. He rubbed himself a bit harder, looking at Even’s hands. There he was, hiding in the bathroom at his own fucking party, touching himself while looking at a guy’s picture. Fuck he was a mess. He was fucking pathetic! Isak left his semi hard dick alone and opened the message folder again. He wrote a message and sent it.

 

Osloboy3845

I’m sorry but I really am worried about you. I read that you can be prone to suicide and when you don’t answer me I can’t help but think the worst and if you don’t reply I will call the police to check you’re still alive.

 

Isak put the phone on the floor and sighed. Would he really call the cops? He didn’t know. But it was definitely on the table. He really was worried about Even. What if he really had pushed him over the edge? Isak thought about the dirty messy apartment, thought about piles of mail getting higher and higher, and above them a pair of bare feet dangling in the air, and as his phone buzzed he slapped his hand in front of his mouth to keep quiet. He grabbed the phone, upside down at first, he cussed and fumbled and dropped it in his lap not once but twice before he could finally read Even’s message.

 

Viv

Stop messaging me.

 

Isak stared at the screen. He was alive. Even was alive and he had made contact. Ground control, we have a signal.

 

Osloboy3485

Why?

 

Viv

Because I always want to reply.

 

Isak grabbed his mouth again. He pressed his palm down tight, squeezed his phone, he was filled with so many emotions he couldn’t..he just couldn’t..fuck.

 

Osloboy3845

I fucking miss you.

 

Osloboy3845

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom just to look at your profile. All my friends are downstairs and there’s a party and music and fun and all I want to do is look at your picture.

 

It took Even forever to reply. When he finally did Isak let out a small sound, like a small animal would make when startled.

 

Viv

You must promise me something.

 

Osloboy3845

Yes?

 

Viv

Do not fucking touch me.

 

Viv

I mean it.

 

Viv

Touch me and I’ll call the cops and report your fucking ass.

 

Isak was drunk. He was miserable. He missed Even so much that he was willing to do anything, promise anything. He thought he could keep that promise.

 

Osloboy3485

Okay..? Promise.

 

Viv

When can I draw you?

 

Osloboy3485

What?

 

Viv

We had a deal?

 

Isak had forgotten about that. His masterplan to go see Even. He had gotten into a cleaning up frenzy and then the angry sex - he got a bit harder at the mere thought passing through his mind - and he had forgotten. Did he have the money now? Could he get the money somewhere? Of course he could. He could.

 

Osloboy3845

I’ll skip work monday.

 

Two nights. Two sleeps until Even. He could handle that. Two sleeps, then he’d get out of the house to go to work and just not go.

 

Viv

Don’t they need you?

 

Osloboy 3485

I need you more.

 

Osloboy3485

It feels good to be needed, doesn’t it?

 

Viv

Fuck you.

 

Osloboy3485

Why?

 

Viv

Just fuck you.

 

Viv

Monday morning. DO NOT message me before that or I won’t let you in.

 

Isak uninstalled Grindr. He could not risk it that someone grabbed his phone to take a picture or whatever and somehow saw he had it. His hands were shaking again. Expectation bubbled inside him with the sparkling wine he had been drinking. Monday morning. He would see Even. Two more sleeps until motherfucking Christmas. All he had to do was get three grands somewhere by that. Their savings account had been drained for the down payment of the loan they got to buy this house. But they did have some cash left on a separate account, the one they had opened for the baby. He could pay back gradually, Lydia wasn’t even pregnant yet, he had at least nine months to do it.

Someone knocked on the door again before Isak could convince himself how bad that idea was. He stood up and slipped his phone into his pocket.

“I’m coming, I’m coming.”

 

Isak had been irritable and absent minded all Sunday. He was lucky again, to be able to blame that on being hungover. Lydia didn’t suspect anything, nor did she notice anything out of the ordinary Monday morning when Isak kissed her goodbye at the door and they went their separate ways. Lydia carpooled to work and Isak walked to the bus stop, just like every morning since they had moved here.

Isak felt like a criminal as he keyed in the pin code at the ATM. He had wired the money last night to his own account. He would pay it all back, Lydia would never notice it had gone. If Isak had stopped to really think about what he was doing it might have stopped him, so he made an actual effort to avoid thinking about it. He just pushed the bills into his wallet, pulled his hood deeper on his head and quickened his pace as he walked towards Even’s house.

Even opened the door and Isak had to almost physically stop himself from kissing him. No touching, Even had said, and Isak was for once afraid to push it. He glanced at the floor as he entered, half expecting to see Miss Kitty’s remains still in place, but the floor was clear. There wasn’t even any mail on it. Or on the side table either. And the air was fresher, cleaner, Even himself looked cleaner. He had two hoodies on, both hoods up, and he looked ridiculous and ridiculously hot. Fuck.

“You look..great.”

Even shrugged and went into the kitchen. He brought Isak a coke and cracked a tin open himself. Isak held the cold metal in his hand and looked around. The apartment was clean. Not magazine cover clean, but it looked like actual people lived there. He felt proud. He was proud of Even, and really happy for him.

“What happened?”

“You really have no idea how personal boundaries work, do you?” Even sat down on the bed, sipping his drink. Isak shrugged.

“It’s just so drastic.”

Even shrugged.

“Long live king Lithium.”

Isak was relieved to hear that. Even was back on medication. But that also meant that he could probably control his behaviour better as well. He could push Isak away easier. The idea of himself even considering that Even’s mental health being more balanced could be a bad thing made Isak sick to his stomach. He was a horrible person. He didn’t deserve his life, and he didn’t deserve Even. Still he wanted both. He needed both.

Even finished his drink and got up. Isak still hadn’t even opened his. He just stood there, holding the cold can, staring at Even. He just wanted to touch him, so bad. He wanted Even to touch him back. He had fucked Lydia this morning to make this visit more bearable but now it felt like it hadn’t helped at all. Isak kind of wished the can in his hand would have been a beer.

“Here.” Even unfolded a chair and placed it on the floor, near the window. “Sit.”

Isak put the can away on the bookshelf. He stopped mid step when he saw Miss Kitty sitting there. Even had glued her back together, but there were some tiny pieces missing from the seams and her ear was still chipped. Isak’s guts turned into a tight knot as he realized how much that reminded him of Even. The beautiful man who could never be completely fixed. How many chips were gone forever because of Isak?

“Well?”

Isak turned around and looked at Even.

“I’m happy to see you fixed her.”

“What?”

“Miss Kitty. I’m really sorry for what happened.”

Even closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He stood very, very still for a long time.

“Look”, he finally said, eyes still closed. “I need the money. I can’t just take them, but I need them. So I want you to now shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and let me do my thing. Okay?”

Even opened his eyes and looked at Isak. His eyes were so filled with sorrow and pain that Isak wanted to cry but couldn’t. He nodded slowly. He walked to the chair and sat down. He looked at Even who took his drawing pad and a stack of pencils and sat down on the bed.

“Hold still.”

Isak was kind of happy to oblige. He liked it here, under Even’s gaze. He was Even’s object again. Even made him real, this him, the Isak only Even had ever seen. The one who was in love with Even. Unbearably and unstoppably.

Even was beautiful when he worked. He was so focused. Everything else seized to exist for him, the world was only made of his pad, his pencil and his object. Isak did his best to stay still, he didn’t want to disrupt Even’s creative process. He was paying three grands for this picture, it needed to be good. He was sure that it would be, but he was also certain that it took some effort on his part as well.

There were moments when Even didn’t draw. He just looked at Isak, really carefully, and that gaze felt like a burn on Isak’s skin. Even was really looking at him, really seeing him, for what he truly were. Isak was vaguely aware that it wouldn’t be all good. A lot of it would be bad, Even knew his sins and shortcomings better than anyone else beside Isak himself. Some of them, maybe even better.

Over an hour later Even put the pencils and pad down.

“Done.”

Isak got on his feet and stretched his back. He tried to look at the picture but couldn’t make it out properly.

“Can I see it?”

“Give me my commission first.”

Isak got his wallet and gave the cash to Even. He counted it. Of course he did. He seemed satisfied and shoved the money in the back pocket of his jeans. Then he grabbed the pad and gave it to Isak. Isak’s hand was shaking when he took it.

Isak looked at the picture. His heart was stuttering and stumbling.

“Is this.” He licked his lips, his mouth was parched. “Is this how you see me?”

“If you ask me, that’s how you  _ are _ .”

Isak’s hands were shaking. He had to sit down and support his arms on his knees so he could see the picture properly. It wasn’t his exact copy, but Even was an artist, not a camera. The picture wasn’t super detailed and meticulous, but every single dot and line served a purpose, delivered a message, and it was the message that made Isak feel like he was falling apart.

He looked amazed.

And broken. He looked like his seams were uneven and his ear chipped, and through all that he still looked filled with faith and wonder.

“You know”, Isak said, hoarsely and silent. “Our friends -  _ my  _ friends - call me the grumpy one. There are literally, seriously,  _ no _ pictures of me looking like this.”

They were silent for a while. Then Isak heard a can crack open.

“Here.” Even gave the coke to Isak. “You sound like you need to drink something.”

Isak grabbed the can, grateful, and chucked it down. He couldn’t suffocate a burp. Somehow that made it all just worse. He was so fucking human in front of Even, Even could see it all. Even could see  _ him _ .

And Even was watching him right then. Just watching him, seeing him splitting at the seams. Was that pity in his eyes, or was it sorrow?

“Are you in a hurry?”

Isak’s heart started pounding so fast he could barely keep up. He squeezed at the can so hard it crackled.

“No?”

Even nodded.

“There’s something I want you to see.”

Even took out his laptop and shooed Isak off the chair. He put the laptop down on it and pulled it closer to the bed. Then he dropped the pillows on the floor and sat down, leaning his back on the side of the bed. He patted on the pillow next to him.

Isak sat down, being careful to not touch Even’s leg. He was so close. Isak had made a promise. He kept his eyes fixed on the screen. Even dug out a box of DVDs from under the bed. Oh god, were they going to watch a porn?

“Relax”, Even said, digging through the box. “I like to watch actual movies if I can’t sleep. And this is one that you really need to see.”

Even took the disc out of the case and gave it to Isak. He looked at it, puzzled. “Love Is A Force Of Nature”, it said on the cover, there were two cowboys and the title of the movie. Brokeback Mountain. Isak had heard about it, but he had never seen it. His mind was racing. Why did Even want to show him this, why now? He was a bit scared, he had heard this movie was sad.

Even pressed play.

A bit over two hours later Isak was shaking. His face was wet with tears, his heart was in pieces, and his hand was squeezing Even’s. He had no idea when that had happened, when Even had taken his hand, but there it was now. The credits rolled, Isak saw his crying face reflected on the background, and he did not know how he’d be able to ever get up from here.

They sat silently through the credits. They stopped rolling, and they still sat there, in silence, hand in hand. Then Even finally spoke again.

“Do you understand?”

Isak sniffled. Even repeated his question, slower, softer. He touched Isak’s face gently, wiping his tears.

“Sweet terrible boy. Do you understand?”

He did. He did understand. It wasn’t a movie about some gay cowboys herding sheep, it was a movie about them. Isak didn’t say anything or nod, but Even saw he understood anyway.

“That is what is going to happen to us. If we keep at this.”

Isak wanted to protest. He wanted to scream no, no it isn’t. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t be sure. A big part of him knew that Even was right and that part made the rest of him shatter. He started crying, really crying, from the bottom of his broken heart, and as Even wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close he let him.


	5. Lithium, part two

After Isak had stopped crying he was still filled with sorrow. It just didn’t flow out of him anymore. He rested in Even’s arms, in his embrace, and slowly, slowly started to realize something.

“Even”, he said. His voice was small and timid. “Do you love me?”

Isak did not know what he wanted Even to answer. Either option would break his heart, only from different sides - the inside, or the outside.

Even stroked at Isak’s neck with his fingers.

“I’m not immune to forces of nature. I am struggling. And the worst part is that I can’t be sure if it’s really me, or if it’s just my fucked up brain.”

Isak swallowed. He had forgotten, briefly, about Even’s illness. He was sure Even never forgot about it. He had to stay aware of it or it would consume him.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whispered. He didn’t touch Even. He just sat there, practically on Even’s lap, but Even was the one doing the touching. His touches felt so good. “I didn’t mean to turn this into..whatever this is.”

Even made a sound that sounded like laughter but wasn’t.

“I’m glad to hear you didn’t do this on purpose.”

“Stop”, Isak sighed, closing his eyes. “We have to talk about this properly.”

Even made that sound again. He pressed his chin into Isak’s hair.

“Properly? I don’t have anything proper to say. It’s all just a blur of emotions and images and I really don’t need this in my life right now.”

“Why did you need the money now?”

Even held Isak tighter. Like he was anchoring himself.

“I threw away the bills. But I did open the envelopes you put on the kitchen table. I was so angry that it scared me. I had to do something.”

Isak nodded slowly. His cheek rubbed against Even’s chest, but that didn’t count, right?

“I’m glad you did that.”

“I was able to beg my way into an appointment, get prescriptions and my meds and. Here I am now. Like you said, the bills didn’t just disappear by throwing them into the trash. And they sure added fees.”

“Can you handle them?”

Even was so silent Isak knew he had heard him. So he waited.

“I don’t have many options. The money you paid me will help a lot.”

“I have more”, Isak said, without thinking about it. “Not much but some. Maybe two thousand.”

Even sighed.

“No. I already overcharged you.”

Isak looked at the pad on the windowsill.

“That picture is priceless, Even. I mean it.”

“Still no. I’m okay for now.”

“But --”

“Is this what you wanted to talk about?”

Isak shook his head. And then nodded.

“Yes and no. I mean, I can’t talk about us without talking about you, and you being okay is important to me.”

“Well, Isak.” Even said his name so softly, it sounded so wonderful that it made Isak tear up again. “I’m not okay. I will not be okay in a long time. But I’m going to get there. And being with you will make that journey longer.”

Isak wiped his eyes. Even was right. He was bad for Even. This was bad for Even.

“Do you want me to quit you?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, I’ve come to notice.”

Isak had to wipe his eyes again. He knew he was an asshole, but it felt like he had no options. He needed Even. He needed Lydia. He had put all his money into their house, their home, and so had Lydia, and Isak couldn’t just throw it all away. He couldn’t. Especially for someone who was mentally unstable, because that also meant that Even couldn’t make him any promises that he could know he would keep. Isak hated himself for thinking like that, but that didn’t make it less true. He knew love wouldn’t conquer all, for he knew that Lydia loved him with all her heart.

“You’re right”, Isak said. “It would be like that movie. I can’t give up my life even for you.”

“Then you should quit me. I have tried quitting you but you don’t fucking let me.”

Isak looked up at Even’s face. He was solemn, his eyes were sad and beautiful. The eyes that saw Isak like no other eyes had.

“Stop looking at me like that”, Even whispered.

“Like what?” Isak whispered back.

“The way that makes me want to kiss you.”

“Please”, Isak whispered barely audibly. “Please. Even. Please.”

Even kissed him. It wasn’t an angry kiss, or a frustrated, defeated one. It was soft, it was tender, it was loving. It opened a lock inside Isak and something poured out of him, a need, a longing he had never known. He had felt lust, and want, but this was something more. Something special and pure. Isak tasted the salt on his lips transferred to Even’s. He felt Even’s fingers at the back of his neck, he felt how Even’s breathing changed.

“Please”, Isak whispered again, between their kisses. “Make love to me, Even, please.” They had fucked. They had explored. They had angry fucked but they had never made love and Isak wanted that now, he wanted that so much.

Even didn’t say anything. But he pushed his hand under Isak’s shirt. He kissed Isak again, and that kiss warmed Isak from the inside. He didn’t feel heat, or horny, or any kind of burn, he felt just closeness. He wanted to be close to Even, as close as possible, he wanted their bodies to join. Even had spent weeks inside his mind, now he wanted Even inside his body as well.

“Are you offering your body as a bargaining piece?”

Isak opened his eyes. He blinked, flustered, confused, he looked at Even and shook his head. No. He wasn’t.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice how you upped the stakes every time I tried to kick you out.”

Isak blushed deeper. He was ashamed of his behaviour, of himself, his feelings, his inability to feel.

“I --”

Even pressed his finger on his lips.

“It’s okay. Shh. I can see it in you. I can see everything in you, you terrible wonderful boy.” Even kissed Isak again. Still so gentle, still so soft. Isak shivered in that kiss. He loved Even, he knew it now, he loved this beautiful man and he had no right to, but for some reason Even was willing to let him.

Everything in you. Isak stopped. He was suddenly terrified, of himself mostly, and of Even for a bit. If Even saw everything he must’ve seen what he thought about Even’s illness, his madness - that he called it madness, and.

“What is it?” Even mumbled against the side of Isak’s neck. His breathing was still heavy. If he did know about Isak’s thoughts he obviously didn’t care, and Isak was at this moment so fucking shaken that he couldn’t risk losing Even’s closeness right now. He needed him too much. He had to lie.

“I thought I was going to burp again”, he said, feigning an awkward smile. “Not too sensual, to burp into your ear.”

Even chuckled softly and kissed Isak right below the ear. That kiss made Isak relax and tense up simultaneously.

“I can handle that. Don’t worry.”

It felt so bittersweet. Isak knew that he could not tell Even what he really thought, or he’d stop, he’d kick Isak out, he’d probably finally find the strength or whatever he was lacking before to block him on Grindr. He had to carry that secret in his heart and it weighed so fucking much. He had held other secrets in there easily, huge secrets, like this whole affair, but they were different - they weren’t kept from Even. Maybe, Isak thought through his hazy passion provoked by Even’s lips on his neck, maybe he’d come to terms with it in time. Even’s love was so huge for him to handle, his illness was too much when added to that. One thing at a time. Now he needed to focus on this moment, on Even, on how nice he smelled and how safe Isak felt against him. Even’s lips dragged little sighs out of Isak’s mouth and when he guided Isak on the floor beneath him he chose to surrender. He chose this. He had time to feel bad later.

“I love you”, Isak whispered. Even stopped moving. He stayed on top of Isak, but he was so still.

“Isak”, Even said. “You need to stop saying that against my skin if you can’t say it at the library or a coffee shop.”

A lump appeared in Isak’s throat. It was a tight black ball of shame and sadness. Because he knew Even was right. And still, still there it was, the love, it grew stronger minute by minute. It consumed and liberated him at the same time, and it was increasingly hard to handle. Isak was shaking, but Even’s hands held him in place, Even’s body pressed tighter against him.

“It’s okay. But no more talk, okay?”

Isak nodded. No more talk, not of love or of darkness. Even kissed him again and Isak kissed him back with all his heart. He heard music in his ears, a lone guitar. Or maybe he was the instrument, played by Even and his long delicate fingers, they traveled under his shirt on his skin. Even loved him, Isak thought, Even was in love with him and he was happy to touch him like this. Isak was happy to be touched by him. He felt Even’s body move on top of his, he felt the floor under his back, the corner of the pillow under his hip. He heard how Even’s breathing changed again and he took his own shallow breaths in that same rhythm.

His heart was aching. It wanted to sing, it wanted to whisper declarations of love, he wanted to say it to Even until he believed it but he couldn’t. There wasn’t enough days left for the Sun to keep burning for that. But he could try make Even’s skin believe it, make Even’s body know it, and that was a work he set out to do with great pleasure. But still something was missing. He was willing, he was ready, he was a bit scared and he wanted this, but something was not quite there. Then he realized something. When Isak was making babies with Lydia he kept his eyes closed. But this wasn’t Lydia. So Isak opened his eyes and let himself be amazed.

Even’s face was so close to his. His body was even closer, and Isak shivered at his fingers still traveling on his skin. This was wonderful. This was perfect. Even was perfect and he tasted so good, Isak kissed him over and over again just to make sure. But the floor felt hard under his shoulder blades. The pillow dug into his hip. He kept hearing music that wasn’t really there.

“Even”, Isak whispered, defeated. He was so fucking sad, he felt ridiculous and frivolous and stupid. “Please stop.”

For a second Isak thought that Even wouldn’t stop. It was a panicked second that stretched into minutes in Isak’s head. Even kept kissing his neck and his body pressed against Isak’s, he could feel how hard Even was against his thigh, and he thought, just for one second, that if Even wanted to rape him he could.

“Wait”, Even said, his lips still touching at Isak’s neck. “What did you say?”

Isak sniffled. He was too scared, too freaked out by his own panic and racing mind, to speak. He felt horrible. He had been pushing and pushing himself into Even’s life, throwing himself violently at him, and now he wanted to stop. What the fuck?

“Fuck! Are you crying?” Even looked Isak, eyes wide, he pushed himself up from Isak with his arms. “You asked me to stop! Fuck! Sorry!”

Isak wanted to say it was alright. He wanted to lift his head up and kiss Even and pull him back on him. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t move. His shoulder blades hurt, his hip was in pain, but his heart ached the most. He laid there, tears wetting his neck, his face twisted by a silent cry.

Even laid down next to him, on his back.

“Come here?”

Isak still couldn’t move. But he managed to make himself nod, repeatedly, he was crying and nodding and when Even reached out and pulled him onto him he arrived. He rested his cheek on Even’s chest, breathed in his skin and cried his shirt wet. “Sorry”, he whispered in between his heaving sobs, over and over again. Even let him cry.

“You really got it, didn’t you?” Even whispered softly after Isak’s sobbing had settled down into sniffles and his spastic body had relaxed the tiniest bit. He sounded pleased, he tried to hide it but didnt’ do it well. He sounded satisfied, like a man who has reached his goal would. But there was also some pride in his tone, and Isak couldn’t be completely sure that some of it was not of him.

He nodded. He got it. He was a little shit. He didn’t want to be one, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

“I can’t quit you”, he whispered, clinging tightly onto Even. “I’m sorry but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about you. I love you.”

Even sighed.

“I suppose you do. You’re just phenomenally bad at it.”

Isak laughed though he shouldn’t have. This wasn’t funny, why was he laughing?

“Do I make you ill? Do I make it worse?”

Even took a long time to think. Isak listened to his heart beating under his ear. He wondered if the floor made Even’s shoulder blades ache.

“You make it hell, Isak. And you also make it mean something. I mean, it’s like. I am used to my pain. But you’re bringing me a whole new one and it’s one that makes me want to fight it.”

Isak stroked at Even’s chest with his fingertips. He made Even want to fight. That couldn’t have been a bad thing, right? He wanted to tell Even. He wanted to tell him to please fight it, please win it, defeat it, for him. He had read enough about this that he knew not to say anything. He was bad at loving Even, but not  _ that _ bad.

But secretly he hoped for it. Even’s illness scared him. It terrified him, it sounded so all-consuming and uncontrollable. The idea that Even, this man under him, was unstable and volatile, was too much. Isak was barely holding himself together and he needed guidance. Without a guide he could not take the journey into himself and his sexuality and all the gay stuff in the world, and he didn’t want anyone else to be his guide but Even.

“Even..I need you. I need to count on you. Can I?”

“At least as much as I can count on you.”

Isak sighed.

“That’s not enough for me. I’m sorry.” It wasn’t even close. He was not anything for anyone to build on, all he could support was his family with Lydia. Even could not have his child for him.

“You say you love me. But do you still love her?”

Even’s voice sounded low and warm when Isak heard it through Even’s sternum. His other ear heard the cooler tones.

“I love her like a wife. But I love you like a soulmate.”

“A soulmate?” Even sounded like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Isak couldn’t blame him for it.

“Yes. I have told you twice already, Even, you’re what’s missing in me.”

“You will not leave her, will you?”

Isak closed his eyes tightly.

“I don’t think so. She might leave me, I’m not..I haven’t been the best man around for quite a while. But I wouldn’t count on that either.”

“So”, Even said, slowly. “You want me to become your gay lover. Your dirty little secret. Does that turn you on or something?”

“No!” Isak pressed his palm against Even’s chest and pushed himself up, to look at Even. “I hate it! I hate everything about it and I hate myself the most but. Fuck, Even, I can’t --”

“You know what’s the worst part?”

Isak swallowed. He was afraid to ask. So he just shook his head, very little.

“That I can’t either. I can’t quit you. You won’t let me, yeah, but it’s not all on you alone.”

Something fluttered inside Isak’s chest. Maybe it was hope. He look Even in the eye and reached closer. He pressed his mouth on Even’s and kissed him. To his relief Even kissed him back.

“I’m exhausted. Can we take a nap together?” Isak wanted to crawl into the bed with Even, cuddle with him and fall asleep against him. He felt drained. Like a rag someone used to clean the floor and then twisted dry. Even nodded.

“I’m pretty tired as well. Take a pillow with you when you get up.”

Isak crawled away from Even’s chest and pulled himself up on the bed. He took a pillow with him and placed it under his head. He laid on his side and listened to Even’s movements. He got up and came to bed, he slid behind Isak and pressed his body against him. Isak was the little spoon for the first time in his life. He really liked it.

“Sleep well, love.”

Even kissed the back of his neck.

“You too.”

Isak woke up. He felt Even against his back, his arm around him, his face in his hair. He yawned. That had been the best nap in his life. Isak yawned again and stretched just a bit, when he felt it. He froze. Even was hard. He was hard against Isak’s ass and Isak blushed intensely. He held his breath for a few seconds, listening to Even. He sounded like he was still asleep.

“Even?” Isak whispered very quietly. No response. He was asleep. Good. If he had been awake he might have moved away, and Isak did not want that. Even’s dick felt so good against him, it was so hard and he was so bad because he enjoyed it this much. His body made Even’s body want him, even though Even himself wasn’t awake. It felt so hot. It made Isak feel hot.

Isak moved so slowly that he was barely moving at all. He didn’t want to wake up Even. He wanted to feel his perfect dick against him as long as possible. He was salivating, he was hard himself, he slid his hand very very carefully to his waistband. He popped the button. He unzipped his jeans. The release of pressure made him sigh softly, and that sound made him stop on his tracks. Did he wake Even up? He didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. Okay.

Isak bit his lip when his fingers touched his bulge through his underwear. It had a wet spot already, and Isak rubbed it lightly at the tip of his dick. He really wanted to push his hips back and rub Even with his ass, but that would’ve been..well, maybe not  _ rape _ , but taking advantage of. Even wasn’t conscious. He couldn’t have said yes or no, so Isak had no place in touching him for his pleasure.

But Even was touching Isak, and Isak found that very pleasurable. He was breathing heavier, his eyes closed tight, he pulled the rubber band back and slid his hand inside. He grabbed his throbbing dick and moved his hand up and down, slowly, slowly, so slowly it was almost worse than not touching it at all.

Even moved. Isak froze. The air smelled like sex by now, it was heavy and thick, Isak’s jeans were open and Even would know the moment he opened his eyes. Isak wanted him to know. But at the same time he was nervous of how Even would react.

Even muttered something drowsy and pulled Isak closer. His dick pressed harder on Isak’s ass and Isak stifled a moan. Even wasn’t awake yet? Then Even moved his hand and brushed Isak’s nipple with his fingers and no stifling could have held back the sound Isak made. Even was awake, he brushed at Isak’s nipple again and pressed his whole body closer. He didn’t speak, neither of them did, there was no need for words. Isak moved his hips a bit, and Even was breathing heavier. Isak liked that. So he kept moving his hips, in a slow semi-circular motion. It made him feel so hot he was almost panting.

Even made some low, grunty sounds and pressed his dick tighter against Isak and his movements. He grabbed Isak’s arm and pulled his hand out of his pants. Isak whimpered in protest but that whimper turned into a moan. Even pushed his own hand down there and started wanking him. His grip was firm and commanding, his strokes fast and determined. He made Isak come in record time. It just happened, he exploded inside his pants, Even wiped his hand in his underwear and grabbed his earlobe with his teeth. He pulled gently, and before really getting soft Isak was rock hard again. Fuck, what this man did to him.

Isak turned around to face Even. Their lips locked into a kiss, his out of breath and Even’s husky and dark. Even wanted him, Isak could taste it on his lips, feel it on his body. He grabbed Even’s both hoodies at once and pulled them up. It was a bit of a struggle to get Even out of them, the double hood situation created some tangly difficulties, but they managed it together. Isak was way easier to undress, which was great, because the kiss had been put on hold for way too long anyway. Isak threw himself at Even again and this time Even caught him.

The bed was much more comfortable under Isak’s back than the floor had been. And he wasn’t exhausted and emotional and shitty, he was now warm, happy, purring and horny. He felt comfortable and confident, he felt ready. Isak took Even’s face between his hands and lifted it, just enough to look at him.

“Please”, he whispered. Even looked at him. He was beautiful. He was amazing. And he nodded. Isak’s sigh spread into a smile and he pulled Even back onto his lips. He welcomed his tongue inside his mouth.

“Say my name”, Isak asked out of breath, between all the kisses and touches that made him feel like he hadn’t orgasmed in weeks, let alone in minutes. He was shivering with anticipation, and every touch that brought him closer to what he wanted made it also worse.

“Isak”, Even whispered. “Isak, Isak, Isak.” Between every Isak he said he touched or kissed something that made Isak jump, or moan, or squirm.

“I want you. I want you inside me, please, Even, please.”

Isak gasped as Even grabbed his jeans and pulled them off. He was still in his undies, his soiled underwear, Even pressed his palm in Isak’s crotch and Isak could feel all the wet in there. It was dirty, it was hot, and the way Even licked his lips when he was feeling it was incredible to see.

Even took off Isak’s underwear. His smile was so fucking delighted. Even descended on the bed and pushed his tongue out of his mouth. He licked Isak’s sperm from his skin and his dick and it made Isak shake all over.

“Give me the lube”; Even asked. Isak tried his best, but he had a hard time retrieving the tube from the drawer. Even’s tongue had something to do with that, most likely. It felt so good. It made Isak jump and twitch like electric shocks. Even reached for the lube but Isak didn’t give it to him, he grabbed Even’s wrist and pulled his hand to his face. He caught Even’s index finger with his lips and sucked it inside his mouth. The way Even smiled at him filled him with warmth.

“You need to let go, Isak”, Even said tenderly. “This is my better hand.” Isak didn’t have to wait long, as soon as he had set Even’s finger free Even gave him the other hand. He pushed his finger inside, along Isak’s tongue, Isak sucked at it hard. He didn’t like the taste of dick but he loved sucking Even.

Even guided Isak’s legs apart. He spread them, far and wide, Even moved his finger in and out of his mouth and pressed his right index finger on Isak’s hole. It went in only slightly easier than last time, because Isak stayed as relaxed as possible this time. It stung, but not too bad, and the idea of having Even inside his both holes turned Isak so fucking on.

After fingering Isak for a while Even pulled his finger out of Isak’s mouth.

“I don’t want you to bite me when I give you two fingers.”

“God. Fuck.” Isak couldn’t form a full sentence anymore. He wanted this. He wanted Even, he wanted to give his body to this man, the man he loved. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t a bit scared.

“Just relax. Ask me to stop..this time I’m listening carefully, I promise.”

Even added a lot of lube, both on Isak and his fingers, and Isak felt the pressure of his fingers finally make his hole give in. He gasped, hissed, he grit his teeth and breathed through them. It was so. Much. It was much, and it hurt, and it didn’t, he was maybe more uncomfortable than in pain, and in the middle of all that was the delicious feeling of being filled. By Even. It was incredible.

They took their time. They had to stop a couple of times when it just got too much for Isak, but after some very gentle and loving making out and warming up they tried again. After two fingers Even eased three of them at once into Isak. Isak’s eyes were wide open, his mouth as well, his legs, his hole. He was wide open for Even to fill. A part of him wanted to chicken out, but he was too deep by now. He didn’t want to stop, though he did, but he didn’t. He was ready. When Even pulled his fingers away for the last time Isak felt how open he was. He was ready.

“I would love to see your face, but this will be easier if you turn around.”

Isak nodded. He needed easier. At least for this time, his first time, easier was welcomed. So he turned on his stomach and then got up on all fours. Even stacked his pillows under Isak to rest on and then he grabbed his cheeks and spread them.

“You’re very open, Isak. You’re doing so great, you’re so sexy.” Even’s words calmed Isak down a bit. That was enough to help him stay still, legs spread and ass up in the air, his hard cock resting against Even’s pillows and soaking them in precum.

“Even”, Isak said hastily. “If I don’t say ‘stop’, don’t stop.”

Even stroked Isak’s lower back gently and firmly. Isak knew he could trust the man who touched him like that.

“I’m going to start now.”

By those words Even got to work. He added more lube on Isak and then Isak could feel it, Even’s perfect beautiful dick, it was pressing against his hole and Isak was almost surprised by how easily it went in. It hurt, it really hurt, it made Isak whine and pushed tears out of his eyes, but it went in. Nothing ripped, nothing was broken, his body succumbed and gave way. Isak cried and hissed and shook, but didn’t ask Even to stop. Even didn’t stop.

“You feel wonderful”, Even said softy. “I’m almost all the way inside you.”

Isak couldn’t answer him. He thought he might have nodded but couldn’t be sure. Even stopped pushing and Isak didn’t first realize why. Then he felt Even lean over him, his skin touching Isak’s back.

“Just keep breathing, Isak. It’s okay. You’re doing so well, you feel so good, I’m loving it.”

Even’s whispers at the back of Isak’s neck really helped. Isak relaxed a bit more, he gave in more, he accepted more. It was incredible. It was so much, almost too much, but he knew already that this was something he had been waiting for all his life. Connecting, like this, with Even.

Slowly Even started moving. He pulled back a bit, then pushed back in, bit by bit. Isak was in awe of his restraint, remembering his own hasty feverish thrusts into Even. This was nothing like that. This was slow and careful and the longer it took the more Isak found pleasure in it.

“Is it good?” Isak asked, panting. His shoulders were shaking, his skin was glistening with sweat. Even stroked his back again, in long smooth strokes.

“It’s great. You feel so good Isak, it’s so good.”

Isak nodded. It was good. He was doing good, Even was enjoying this. He tried moving himself, just a little bit - when Even pushed he pushed back, and the surprised but harny moan Even made was incredible.

“I want you to come inside me.” He did. He really wanted that, needed that. He wanted it all, for he wasn’t sure how soon he would be able to get it again.

Even took Isak by the hips. His thrusts were bolder now, faster, Isak was still in pain but he could handle it and he felt good too. It was so intense. Isak had never been this open, this bare, this raw, and he was so happy it was happening with Even. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, not in any sense, and he had given it all to Even.

“Fuck..Isak..Isak, shit, I’m gonna come”, Even moaned. He was fucking Isak properly now, no taking it super slow and careful, this was actual proper fucking. Isak loved it. It hurt, it did, but it was a good pain. Isak wouldn’t come from this, not now, but there was a sense of something that promised him that in future, hopefully near future, he could. He remembered Even’s fingers inside him and his dick was technically the same, just..more.

“Do it. Come, please Even, come inside me.”

Oh god fuck yes. Yes. Yes. Isak howled in pleasure when he felt Even’s seed flood into him. Now he was filled, completely filled, and when Even’s limp dick slid out of him Isak gasped at how open he felt.

“You look incredible”, Even said, his voice hoarse. “It’s so open and perfect.”

Isak shivered in pleasure. His body was aching a bit, but he kept his posture, he wanted Even to watch him as much as he wanted to. He wasn’t hard himself, not anymore, only half hard, and he didn’t feel the need to come right then. He just wanted to rest.

Even slid on the bed next to him and helped him off the pillows. He pulled Isak close to him and kissed his forehead. He wiped Isak’s tears away and kissed him softly.

“It was so good. I loved it. You’re perfect.”

Isak let out a long, weary sigh. He was so happy. He was so content. He was whole. He knew it wouldn’t last, but this was his moment now, this was given to him, and he took it with a grateful heart.


	6. The Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed my plans again. So here's a chapter, people. (No, I did not change my plan for the ending.)

Fucking finally. It had been forever since Isak had last seen Even, and the last time had been so brief, just a few longing kisses in the stairwell outside Even’s apartment. Isak had had like twenty minutes to spare in his schedule and he had rushed to Even, they had kissed for exactly three minutes and forty three seconds and then Isak had left again. He remembered that moment fondly. The sheer senselessness of it, he had fucking taken a cab to get to Even’s house and back in time, just for under four minutes, it made him smile and it helped him carry on until they could finally meet properly. And here Isak was now. He was supposed to be calling through Lydia’s list of things like scheduling appointments with the florist, the bakery and the catering services, but he had found this great by-order assistant service and that meant he had three hours just for him and Even.

Isak still didn’t have Even’s number. He couldn’t risk it, his phone hygiene with Lydia hadn’t been tight enough and suddenly starting would have raised questions. He was stuck with uninstalling and installing Grindr and now it felt almost like a ritual. Now he performed it many times a day. His trips to the bathroom had started to take a bit longer than before. When Lydia had asked about that Isak had told her that he had developed a tiny obsession to Wordfeud. Lydia had made a remark that no wonder Isak took so long in there, and they had laughed and that had been that. Lucky Isak.

Sometimes he wished Lydia wasn’t so nice so he could’ve made himself leave. But she was. She was nice, she was caring, she loved Isak and wanted to have his child. Isak wanted the same from Lydia, a child, a real family, a family he’d do a better job taking care of than his parents had. Where Even fit in that picture, he didn’t yet know, but they still had time. Lydia wasn’t even pregnant yet and their wedding was over six months away. They still had time.

When Isak had stopped kissing Even hello he noticed that the apartment looked nicer. Even had hung up curtains, the bed was made and there was a potted plant on the windowsill. Isak touched the leaves and yes, it was a real living thing that needed looking after, not a fake plant. Even was taking responsibility of something. It was definitely a good sign.

Isak sighed softly as he felt Even press against his back, topless. He kissed the side of Isak’s neck and made him purr. He had missed Even’s body so much. He had missed sensual sex. His sex life with Lydia had been reduced to measuring time and temperature and getting the job done as efficiently as possible. They had talked about going to a clinic, but had decided to try one more month before taking that step.

“Even, love”, Isak sighed. “Can we talk first?”

Even groaned and kissed Isak’s skin again. Isak laughed.

“I’m serious. I will fuck you, I promise, but I want to talk first.”

“Don’t I get to fuck you?”

Isak turned to face Even and shook his head.

“Not today. There’s no time to take it that slow.”

“There is if we skip the talking”, Even said, pulling Isak closer.

Isak laughed.

“Stop, you horrible man. I want to talk to you!”

Even sighed, exaggerating, and rolled his eyes. He let go.

“Fiiiiiine. What is it you want to talk about?”

Isak was suddenly nervous again. During the past few months he had gotten more confident with Even, more comfortable, but still talking about his condition was difficult. Maybe because if he could come to terms with it there would be nothing left to keep him away from Even.

“You got a plant.”

Even raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

“You want to talk about botany?”

Even’s teasing made Isak smile. It felt so good and loving.

“No. I want to talk about you. How are you?”

“I’m horny, thanks for asking”, Even said and kissed Isak’s neck again. Isak squirmed himself free from his embrace and escaped.

“Fine, I’ll jerk you off first.”

“How romantic.” Even’s eyes twinkled. Isak’s knees felt weak when he looked into them.

“You said you were horny, not amorous.”

“I’m lovesick.”

“You’re impossible!”

“And you’re a tease!”

Isak sat down on the bed, smiling.

“Yes, that’s me. I just want to know how you’re doing.”

Even sat down beside him. He took Isak’s hand and Isak let him.

“You want to know how bad my condition is.”

Isak shrugged.

“It’s pretty relevant, too. We haven’t really talked about it in a long time, and. It is a cycle, isn’t it? I need to know where in that cycle you’re going.”

“I’m bipolar, not on my period.”

Isak pushed his head against Even’s shoulder like a cat.

“You know what I mean. I’m not an expert on this, you need to help me out.”

“Speaking of periods, how’s your..”

“Don’t change the subject.” Isak sighed. He left his head on Even’s shoulder, resting there. “Still nothing. I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Or her. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a dad.”

“Nonsense”, Even said. He stroked Isak’s hand with his thumb. “You’re going to be a dad. And a great one.”

Isak nodded, barely. He just wanted a child so bad. He needed a child. He knew guys weren’t supposed to feel that way, but that wasn’t the only thing he was feeling that he wasn’t supposed to.

“What if it’s a punishment?”

Even stopped stroking him. He sat there quietly for a while, like he always did when something Isak said or did made him very upset.

“A punishment for what?”

“For what I’m doing to her. And to you.”

Even took his time again.

“I don’t think that..I don’t believe in punishment. If there was some system, what the hell have I done to deserve my illness?”

“Oh fuck. Shit. Even I’m so sorry. You’re the most wonderful, beautiful person I have ever met and you have done  _ nothing _ to deserve anything shitty.”

“Oh, Isak. My sweet, terrible, innocent Isak”, Even sighed and laid down on the bed on his back, his arm resting on his forehead. “I had a life before we met. I have made my own share of bad choices, I have been a terrible boyfriend and I have broken hearts and spirits just because I was being selfish. None of that happened before my disorder but I can’t..I won’t hide behind a diagnosis.”

Isak looked at Even. He looked so fragile there, without his shirt on. Vulnerable.

“I don’t think that’s hiding if you acknowledge that some of your decisions are not made completely by you.”

Even laughed, without happiness.

“Do you have any idea how terrifying that sounds? That there is something inside me that’s not me, making me do things? Isak, this  _ is _ me. I’m bipolar, I will always be bipolar, and there is no ‘true Even’ hidden anywhere. This is it.”

Isak looked at Even. He looked different now. He looked. Hopeless? No. That wasn’t it. Defeated? No. Sad? Maybe, but.. He was ashamed. That wonderful incredible beautiful man was ashamed.

“Even, I. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

It was Isak’s turn to be punished, it seemed. Even’s words twisted his guts. He made a tiny pained sound that made Even look at him. His eyes widened.

“No, Isak, no! I meant I’m used to pain in general.”

Isak shook his head.

“No, you’re right. I have hurt you, repeatedly, and I keep doing that but I just can’t..Even we can’t have a child.” There it was. The big, black blob that had been weighing on Isak’s heart. If he wanted to, if they wanted to, they couldn’t. It would’ve been hard if Even was healthy, but with him being mentally unstable? Not a chance. Isak was sure about that. He was also pretty sure he didn’t want to have a child with someone with a mental disorder. No matter how much he loved him.

The way Even looked at Isak made him think he had read his mind. He was just so fucking sad. He laid there, on his back, without a shirt, and looked at Isak and he was sad.

“I’m so sorry”, Isak whispered. Even shook his head.

“I’m glad you finally got it out. I have been wondering, thinking what it was, why I just am not enough for you.”

“Stop”, Isak begged. “That’s horrible.”

“It is what it is, Isak.”

“But it’s not fair. I want a family and I..fuck, Even, you  _ are _ my family. It’s not fair.” Why couldn’t he just accept that? Why couldn’t he settle for the man of his life, his dreams, why wasn’t that enough? It was just so deeply engraved in him, in his biology, he needed children.

Even kept looking at him. He reached his hand up and rested it on Isak’s cheek. Isak hadn’t noticed he had started crying before he felt Even press the tears on his skin.

“It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, it’s fucking shit, but. It’s okay.”

“It’s  _ not _ okay”, Isak sniffled.

“Yes it is. I’m okay. I promise. I love you.”

Isak started sobbing. Even loved him. Even told him he loved him, he actually said it, and in this conversation?

“Don’t you dare say that just to shut me up.”

“I swear. Now get down here so I can kiss you and make it better.”

Isak did what Even asked. He let himself fall on the bed next to Even, and Even turned on his side and huddled up close to him. He pressed his forehead against Isak’s forehead, and Isak remembered their first kiss. The one that shook him so much he still was shaking.

“I love you, Isak. You will break my heart but I will let you and I promise you, I swear, my love, I will survive it.”

Isak wanted to start sobbing again but then Even kissed him and he got distracted. His heart was aching and singing at the same time, he was so fucking sad and so fucking happy that they kind of canceled each other out. Even said he’d survive him. Hearing that was almost better than hearing him saying he loved him. He had given Isak an absolution. He had kissed the sin away from his lips.

“Do you”, Isak mumbled into the kiss. “Do you still want to fuck me?”

Even purred.

“Hell yes. But I will not. We have talking to do.”

Isak wanted to protest. He didn’t want to talk anymore, he wanted to fuck and forget about his heartache for a while. But if Even wanted to talk, they would talk.

“About what?” Isak asked, against Even’s lips. It made this a bit more bearable. Their closeness, how they exchanged butterfly kisses between their words. Isak rested his fingers on Even’s bare collar bones and Even stroked Isak’s lower back slowly.

“Everything.”

Two and a half hours later Isak was standing at Even’s door again. He put one shoe on, they kissed for a minute, the other shoe, another kiss. His lips were ragged and numb from all the kissing and talking, but that didn’t matter, he would kiss Even while he still could.

“Even”, Isak said, his fingers in Even’s hair. “If you tell me to stay away now I will do it.” He meant it. He would let his heart ache and long for Even, he would leave Even be. He would quit this, quit them, quit Even, he would do it now and not later when it would hurt more.

“Don’t”, Even sighed. “I’m at peace with this. I have thought things through and this is something so precious to me that I want it, no matter the cost.”

Isak kissed Even so hard it almost hurt his battered lips. It sure did hurt his battered heart.

“I fucking love you.”

“When can I see you again?”

“I’m not sure. I think Lydia is going to go shopping for her dress next week.”

“We are horrible people, Isak.”

“I know.”

 

They met whenever they could. Isak’s house of cards was getting higher and higher each time, and more and more unstable. The lies he told Lydia, the stolen moments when he snuck away to Even’s apartment, every time the risk got bigger. Isak had stopped caring about that. All he cared about was that with Even he was happy and without him he was not, and that the wedding arrangements took more and more of Lydia’s time the closer the wedding got. She still didn’t get pregnant. They had stopped trying for now, decided to wait until the wedding was over and then go to a clinic to find out if something was wrong. They never talked about it, but it was there, the vague guilt floating around their house that was still so silent with just the two of them living there. They had too many empty rooms to get lost in.

Even’s apartment was far from empty. It was so tiny it was easy to fill, and the love they had for each other kept expanding until there was no space for anything else. They had created their own universe, and they worked hard and persistently to keep it intact and pure. They didn’t talk about difficult things anymore. They had talked them through and they knew the outcome, they had no need to discuss the matter further. Their time was running out and it could not be wasted. They spent it carefully and meticulously, second by second, minute by minute, loving their hearts out.

As the wedding day drew nearer, Isak’s feet were feeling colder. He would have a wife then. He would be a married man, who had not made only a promise but a  _ vow _ and that was much harder to break. It would up the stakes in the game Isak had gotten used to playing. It might change the rules. A part of him knew that his life with Even would not be like it was now, not filled with nothing but love and desire, but it was like he was drunk with their love. His thoughts didn’t feel clear, and his feelings were even more messed up. After yet another pointless argument with Lydia about the colour of the fucking napkins - what the fuck was peridot, anyway? - Isak sat in the upstairs bathroom with his phone, sulking and waiting for the app to install. When it finally did and he saw Even’s picture his sulkiness melted away.

 

Osloboy3845

I should just tell her.

 

Viv

Hey babe

 

Viv

You should

 

Viv

I am not going to ask you to

 

Viv

But you should

 

Isak sighed at Even’s rapid fire messages. Even had said it many times, he would not ask Isak to tell Lydia. He kept saying it was Isak’s business, not his. He didn’t want to be responsible in case Isak regretted later.

 

Osloboy3845

I miss you.

 

Viv

Did you fight again?

 

Osloboy3845

What the fuck is peridot?

 

Viv

No idea

 

Viv

Let me check

 

Viv

It’s some green rock?

 

Osloboy3485

Okay. So we fought about rocks and leaves.

 

Viv

?

 

Osloboy3845

Fucking napkins

 

Viv

Tell her you were wrong, let her choose the napkins she wants and shut up.

 

Osloboy3845

I’m not sure if it was about the napkins really. I think she knows something is off and is taking it out on me.

 

Lydia’s phone rang downstairs. Isak tilted his head, trying to hear her voice. Was she still enraged? If the called was her mother Isak would find out soon enough. But it was silent. Too silent.

 

Osloboy3845

I should go. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.

 

Viv

Godspeed. Love you.

 

Isak was standing at Even’s door again. He stared at its surface, the small dent in the paint, near the threshold. He had crossed it before, many times, but he still remembered the first one. When time had split. It was about to be split again, and he was so fucking nervous.

Even opened the door. He leaned in to kiss Isak but stopped when he saw his eyes.

“Fuck”, Even whispered. He pulled Isak inside and closed the door. This was a private conversation.

“She got a call yesterday.” Isak licked his lips, he tasted saline. His heart was pounding. “I’m going to be a dad.”


	7. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The alternate, somewhat happier ending will continue directly after this chapter in the end notes. It's an open one, but that's the only way to make this end happy.

Even stared at Isak.

“That’s. That’s wonderful, Isak.”

Isak nodded slowly. He blinked and he was crying again. He had had no control over his tear ducts ever since he found out.

“She had gone to the doctor for nausea and they called yesterday that she needed to come to the office as soon as possible. We thought it was cancer! But she is pregnant. The ultrasound was this morning and there is a baby in there. My baby.”

“Wait”, Even said. He pulled Isak further into the apartment and sat down on the bed. “Ultrasound? How far along is she? I thought that --”

Isak sat down next to Even and squeezed his hand.

“About twelve weeks now. They said it’s rare but sometimes women can bleed also while pregnant. We had no idea.” This was the part that scared Isak the most. What if Even didn’t believe him? What if he thought Isak had just been keeping this from him so he could keep coming here?

“Did you tell her?”

Isak shook his head.

“No. She got the call when we were messaging.”

Even nodded. He dried Isak’s tears from his face and kissed his forehead.

“I’m so happy for you. You will be a great dad.”

“Even.” Isak’s voice cracked. His heart was breaking within his chest now, he couldn’t speak over that sound. Even kissed him on the lips this time, just a short soft peck.

“We knew this day would come.”

“Why are you so fucking calm?” It was almost scary. It wasn’t normal. And because Even wasn’t normal to begin with, it was doubly scary.

“Am I?” Even asked. “Really?”

Isak looked closer. He saw how tight Even’s shoulders were. He saw the way his toes gripped the floor. He saw his hand, the one Isak was not holding, shake. He saw the lump in Even’s throat and the weight on his chest and oh god he didn’t dare look into his eyes. He couldn’t.

“I didn’t mean --”

“Fuck you. This was your goal all along and you know it.”

“Not like this! I wanted a family and then you happened and I let you happen.” Isak heard his pitch get higher and louder. He was panicking and he was angry and he was going to be a dad, and that made him so fucking happy that he just didn’t fit in this situation at all. He was a square peg in a triangular hole.

“You made me happen! Fuck!” Even let go of Isak’s hand and got up. He went to the kitchen. This apartment was so tiny that running away was hard.

“I’m happy you happened! I don’t want you to stop happening.”

Even glared at Isak from the kitchen door.

“I’m pretty sure there will be no place for Uncle Even in your little nuclear family.”

“What do you want me to do? I can’t tell Lydia! She’ll never let me see the child if I tell her.”

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you deliberately made one with her?”

Isak grabbed his mouth to stop himself from screaming. Even was right. This was exactly what he had been working for, for months. He had wanted a child, and now there was one. It was still the size of a lime but it was alive and real and his, and even thinking about it made his heart swell.

“I’m sorry.”

Isak looked at Even.

“Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to leave for good?”

“Why aren’t you with your pregnant bride?”

“She’s having her dress altered. She doesn’t want me to see her in it before the wedding. She thinks it’s bad luck.”

Even laughed. It scared Isak a bit. Why did he keep getting scared whenever Even seemed strange?

“Oh boy. Bad luck. That’s one way to put it.”

“Even, please.” Isak didn’t know what he was asking from Even.

“It’s okay. It’s just great! You will have it all, Isak. All you ever wanted!”

“I will not have you.”

“YOU ALREADY HAD ME. Fuck, Isak! Don’t you get it? You won’t get your happily ever after with us both!”

Isak flinched when Even started shouting. He was scared. Again. He had no reason to be and he felt shitty about it but he was scared that Even would flip out and. Do something. He wished Even would come out of the kitchen because that was where the knives were kept, and he hated himself for wishing that, but things were now different. He couldn’t afford to be reckless, he was going to be a dad.

They were quiet for a long time.

Even finally stepped out of the kitchen.

“You were right back then”, he said. He sounded softer now. Weary. “I can’t give you a child. Not biologically or otherwise. But you will have rights, Isak. Being a cheater doesn’t undo them, you’re the baby’s father and you have rights.”

Isak shook his head.

“No. Lydia - and her mother, especially - would make sure I’d never get joint custody. I’m not going to meet my child only every other weekend.”

“Your bride sounds charming.”

“She deserved better than me.” Isak looked at Even. “And so do you.”

Even shrugged. He sat down next to Isak again. He was still shaking, but Isak wasn’t afraid of him anymore. He was just sad.

“Do you want to keep doing this, then?”

Even knew the answer but he asked anyway. Isak didn’t want to say it out loud but Even made him do it.

“I do. But I can’t. It’s been going on too long already, I will get caught if I don’t stop.”

Isak took Even’s hand. Even let him.

“You promised me you would survive me.”

“I have a therapist. I don’t know why I haven’t told you about it, but I do, and. He’s been really helping me.”

“When is your next appointment?”

“Day after tomorrow. I think I can make it until then. I have sedatives if I need them.”

Isak squeezed Even’s hand. Sedatives. He had sedatives here, in this apartment, he could --

“Isak. I have like five pills. That’s not even close to an overdose.” Even struggled to sound calm. Isak was ashamed he had to. He was the culprit here, he was the one doing wrong, and yet Even was the one who had to do the comforting. Fuck.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Even chuckled.

“Oh, my sweet terrible Isak. It’s way too late for that. But when it stops hurting - it will, I promise, heartbreaks always heal eventually - it will seem like worth it.”

“What if I can’t do it? If I can’t stay away from you?”

“That’s a choice you will have to make yourself.”

Isak leaned his head on Even’s shoulder. He smelled so good. Isak loved that scent. He didn’t know how he could go on without it. He sat there for a long time, just inhaling him.

“I can’t come back here”, Isak said quietly. “I can’t quit you gradually.”

Even wrapped his arms around Isak. There was something decisive about those arms and the way they pulled Isak closer. 

“One for the road”, Even whispered on Isak’s lips and kissed them. Isak didn't’ know what one was it that Even meant. A kiss? A fuck? He didn’t know, he didn’t care. He kissed Even like he was trying to pour his love out into him, to fill his cup.

When Even pulled him on his lap Isak knew this would be more than just a kiss. He was happy about that. And he could feel Even was happy as well, he felt the familiar imprint against the back of his thigh and kissed Even deeper. He pushed his tongue into his mouth and invited Even’s tongue into one last dance.

It was a new sensation to Isak. He had felt lust, he had felt need, he had made love to and with Even, they had had sex angry, passionately and desperately. But this was once again something new. It was a goodbye too strong and painful for words. They spoke with their bodies now. I love you, Isak’s fingers whispered in Even’s hair. I want you, Even’s thigh responded as it pressed against Isak’s. I’m so sorry, with love, Isak’s chest pushing against Even. They had better use for their mouths than talking. Isak felt Even’s tongue brush against his lips, he touched it with his tongue in short light flicks that made Even shiver.

He inhaled Even. He pushed his fingers under his hoodie and lifted it up, to reveal his skin and his scent. It was intoxicating and highly addictive, Isak had been hooked on the first sniff. He took Even’s hoodie off and ripped his shirt to the floor as well, he wanted to press as much of his skin against Even’s as possible. He was so warm and smooth and Isak fit against him perfectly. Like he was made for him.

I want you, said Even’s stomach, moving back and forth in sync with his heavy breathing, pressing harder on Isak in that rhythm. I need you, Isak’s nipples replied as they hardened from the sheer idea of being touched by Even. Even’s hands traveled along Isak’s back, they sent shivers down his spine. They made Isak surrender to Even, to his body, all of his own kept whispering please take me, I’m yours. As Even turned and laid Isak down on the bed under him that whisper turned into a scream.

All of Isak’s skin was so sensitive that Even’s touches almost hurt. It was a good pain, a cleansing and arousing one, Even’s lips at his neck and collar bones made Isak moan in pleasure. He felt Even’s shoulders with his fingers, memorized their shape and feel, every tiny mole and every movement of a muscle. He had been discovering so many wonderful things in and with Even’s body, but now wasn’t the time to discover. It was the time to memorize.

Even kissed every square inch of Isak’s skin, from his hairline to the tip of his toes. He examined Isak’s dick thoroughly with his tongue and his mouth. He made Isak moan and whine and when he started crying they stopped for a while to just cuddle, to exchange tiny kisses, until he had calmed down. When Even started shaking Isak pulled him close and wrapped his body and limbs around him and held tight until he settled.

Isak turned slowly on his back and looked at Even. He spread his legs. He wanted Even inside him, he needed Even inside him, for the last time. Even smiled at him, softly, he took the lube - Isak noted he had bought a fresh one to replace the one they had almost used up and for some reason that made him want to cry again, the thought of that new lube now going unused, fuck he was so emotional - and kneeled between Isak’s legs. Isak felt somewhat proud of himself of how easily Even could get his finger inside him. He was gentle and careful but Isak had learned to relax and receive, and when the slippery finger slid inside he felt nothing but pleasure.

More, said Isak’s quivering legs. Harder, pleaded his hard, dripping dick. Even pushed a second finger inside him and Isak moaned. He pushed his hips against Even’s hand, he knew the angle, his body remembered it by now, and then he moaned again. Right here? Even’s fingers asked, fuck yes! Isak’s hands clenching the sheets replied.

Isak opened his eyes and looked at Even. He was looking at him, at his body, not his eyes. Isak wondered if Even would draw him later, like this, naked on his bed, shaking and panting. It was so sensual. He was so focused, not on Isak but his body. His body that spoke to him, that kept telling him I love you. Even’s fingers were magical, but he wanted more. The rest of Even was so far away. Isak reached out his leg - and moaned, as he got tighter - to Even’s ass and pulled. Come here. Come here. I need you.

Even hummed happily. Isak devoured his dick with his eyes when he lubed it up. God, he would miss that dick so much. He wanted it so bad. Isak pulled his leg back again, he grabbed his own cheeks and spread his hands. He didn’t want to do it from behind this time, he wanted to see Even take him.

Isak had a hard time remembering to breathe. Even’s dick pressed inside him. It felt so different in this position, the movement was delicious, it rubbed him in ways it never had before. It made him moan, it made him squirm, he pressed his hips back at Even’s until they touched. Isak looked at Even, between his own spread legs, and he was amazed.

Still it wasn’t enough. Even was too far away from him. Isak loved his dick inside him, loved the way it moved and filled him, but it wasn’t enough. He pulled back, away from his lover, and before Even had the chance to ask why he was kissing him again.

Isak pushed Even’s body with his, guided it, he pushed himself on Even’s lap and tried to get him inside him again. It was awkward, it didn’t really work, but before Isak had time to get upset about it Even had caught on. He embraced Isak and held him close, turned and lowered his feet on the floor. His lap became significantly more stable, and he could grab Isak’s hips and guide him in his turn. Isak supported his knees on the bed and pushed himself up, grabbed Even’s dick and held it in place as he descended down on it.

He kissed Even. He clinged on to him and let his hands guide his hips into a rocking motion, more back and forth than up and down. It felt so good.  Even was so close to him, he could feel his warmth, and he could kiss him, he could stroke his back and hug his body. He was so happy he had decided to try this before it was too late.

After a while the urge got too strong. They needed more, harder, Even looked at Isak and Isak nodded, he let Even grab him and turn him on his back again. Isak rested the backs of his knees on Even’s forearms and lifted his hips up towards him, beckoning. Harder, faster, deeper, now, his body begged and Even gave it to him. Isak was panting and possibly drooling when Even penetrated him over and over again, in fast passionate thrusts. Even grabbed Isak’s dick and stroked it in sync with his fucking, Isak could barely breathe and when he came he couldn’t make a sound because he was gasping so hard.

Even stopped to look at Isak. He nodded, exhausted and light headed, it was okay. He wanted Even to come too, to come inside him. He almost wanted to count the thrusts but he didn’t, he stayed focused on how they felt instead of how many there were. The number could never be high enough anyway, the number of times he’d still get to feel Even’s dick slide into him, and when Even came Isak started crying again. It wasn’t a desperate cry, just a small, sad, delicate one. They would never fuck again. Even slipped out of him and pulled him close. It was perfect. It was over.

 

Isak sat by the kitchen island and stared at the plane tickets that were stuck on the fridge door with a Garfield magnet. Their flight was in two days. A month ago Lydia had come home from work and sat him down and they had talked about this amazing opportunity she had been offered. The main branch wanted her, even though she was seven months pregnant. She had already decided to keep working as long as possible before giving birth, and it was a really great position. And a great salary. They’d be able to pay their apartment debt off in half the time, even if Isak didn’t get a job at all. He could stay home with their daughter. It was perfect.

And yet, it wasn’t. Isak didn’t want to move to fucking Belgium. When he lived in Oslo there was at least a theoretical possibility he could run into Even somewhere. Or see a glimpse of him in the crowd. He had quit Even, yes, but he wasn’t ready to quit the possibility of him, not yet. There had been this unspoken chance that he might see him again, some day, and now it was taken away from him.

Lydia was out dealing with last minute errands. Isak missed his baby already, he missed her movements inside Lydia, her expanding home. He missed Lydia too. The pregnancy had brought them closer together again, now that there wasn’t that empty crib between them anymore. Or obsessed copulation. Lydia worked late often but Isak was happy at home, reading baby guides and browsing for cute outfits online. But now that The Day drew nearer Isak couldn’t immerse himself in the baby anymore. There was a business still unfinished.

Isak took his phone from the charging dock and opened the app store. He could have installed Grindr with his eyes closed by now. But he didn’t close his eyes, he kept them glued to the progress bar. He opened the messages and stood up, walked to the fridge and took a picture of his tickets. He pressed send.

 

Osloboy3845

Lydia got a promotion. We’re moving.

 

Osloboy3845

It’s going to be a girl.

 

Even blocked him.

 

Isak stood in the airport lobby. There had been a mixup with the gates or something and Lydia had left him standing there with their carry on bags and drinks. He reached his free hand into his jacket pocket and stroked the chipped edge with his thumb. He had found Miss Kitty in his pocket after he had left Even’s apartment for the last time. He stroked her ear whenever he needed encouragement.

He kept looking around in case he’d see Even, even a glimpse of him. But all he could see was Lydia, and he had to dig really deep to pull up a smile for her. He had known that he’d never see his beautiful artist again. He had almost come to terms with it. And now the woman he loved, his wife, was walking towards him carrying their baby girl inside her, and Isak knew he could be content. He could maybe even be happy, at least sometimes, and in time he’d forget the scent of Even’s skin. He had been foolish and wrong to send that message to Even, he knew that now. He had only hurt him. In real life people don’t run to the airport and stop their lovers from boarding the planes. In real life people go to the gates, they board and they buckle up their seatbelts and the planes take off, hundreds of planes every day, just taking off and disappearing into the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak reached his arms out for Lydia to give her a hug. He kissed her cheek as she reached - it wasn't easy with how huge she had gotten - in for it. Then he saw something over her shoulder.
> 
> "I need to go to the bathroom", Isak said and left Lydia to watch the bags and sort out the stack of papers the airline staff had given her. He had to stop himself from running to Even. He was still out of breath when he reached him.
> 
> "Even, I --"
> 
> Even showed his ticket to Isak. He was coming on the same flight.
> 
> "Business class is fucking expensive! But they were out of seats in charter."
> 
> Isak swallowed.
> 
> "You're coming to Belgium?"
> 
> "I'm coming to you."
> 
> Isak stared at Even. He was coming to Belgium. He was literally leaving everything for him. He couldn't stop himself anymore, Isak wrapped his arms around Even's neck and kissed him.
> 
> "Isak?"
> 
> Isak froze. He had forgotten about Lydia. He had forgotten about his baby. He let slowly go of Even and took his hand as he turned to look at his wife.
> 
> "Lydia. There's someone I'd like you to meet."


End file.
